Summer 2014 Bucket-List

Every year at the beginning of the summer I make a mental check-list of all the things I want to do and see before fall arrives. Sadly between work, family obligations and the many weddings, parties, BBQ’s etc. we have each summer many of those things go un-checked. This year is no different, here we are two weeks into June and I’m already falling behind on my list!

One of my biggest bucket-list items is to really get my blog off the ground, to find a “purpose” for it, a niche in which it belongs and really go for it. That being said in doing some blog-searching I came across Learning By Hart. While our blogs are very different, as are our careers, I couldn’t help but read through it. She too, is a working mom trying to find the balance between her career, her family and the things that make her happy. I spent over and hour reading through her blog posts and finding that we have a lot in common. One post that jumped out to me was her Summer Bucket-List – it is the inspiration for my own list. She narrowed it down to 10 very manageable things that are easily accomplished during her time off from teaching. It inspired me to look at my own list and really focus on the things that are actually attainable in my already very busy life.

 

 

So here they are – my Top Eleven Summer Bucket-List Items (in no particular order)

11. BLOG – see above! J

10. STUDY – yes you read that right. I recently received my study materials for my ACE Personal Trainer Certification. I only have six months to study and take the exam. There are 18 chapters in my textbook, along with online materials and practice tests. If I break it down into months, I need to read three chapters a month – totally doable!

9. MOVE – my husband and I are just two weeks away from closing on our new home (barring anything crazy happening) and we couldn’t be more excited! We have been living with my parents since November and while we are enjoying our time there we are ready to have our own space again. We’ve begun to look at flooring and paint options and are looking forward to making the house our own!

8. TRAVEL – this is the first summer in almost 6 years that my husband has had weekends off so we are hoping to do a few weekend getaways over the next couple months. My grandmother lives on the Cape during the summer so our first priority is to take the CapeFlyer down to visit her. I really want to be able to create some of our own family memories this summer.

7. EXERCISE EVERY DAY – while this may seem like a big commitment I don’t mean “go to the gym” every day, it can be anything from lifting to running to walking to taking a Barre class. I recently purchased a FitBit and have become obsessed with tracking my steps. I walk every day at lunch as long as the weather is nice and Lucas and I walk at night after I pick him up from school. I think it’s hugely important to move your body in an active way as often as possible, not only for your physical health but your mental health as well.

6. HAVE DATE NIGHTS – I am the first to admit that since Lucas was born I have been reluctant to leave him even for a night out with my husband. Time goes by so fast and since we work full time we find that we both want to be with him as much as possible, but we also know we can’t forget about each other. We have a wedding coming up next week and it will be the first time we are really away from the baby for longer than a few hours – I’m looking forward to getting dressed up and dancing with my husband again!

5. UNPLUG – Facebook, Instagram, Blogging, Twitter … yes, I’m obsessed with social media – my husband calls me a “social media whore”. While I enjoy staying in touch with people, updating my blog and Facebook it’s also really important to unplug and be 100% in the moment with friends and family. When Lucas was first born we had an agreement that once we were home phones and iPad were put away and we spent that time together, but slowly as many do we found ourselves hooked right back up. So many nights we’ll be watching a movie and one (or both) of us will be on our phone looking at something online not paying any attention. We need to recommit to unplugging at night and really enjoy our time together.

4. EXPERIENCE LIFE THROUGH LUCAS’ EYES – I don’t want our little boy cooped up this summer. Regardless of the fact that he’s only 9 months and isn’t walking/running/playing yet I really want him to start experiencing the world. I want to take him to the beach and see his reaction when he touches the cold Atlantic for the first time, I want him to see fireworks this 4^th of July, listen to the katydids at night, crawl on the grass, get dirty, swing on the swing-set his father, grandfather and uncle built … just be a kid!

3. RECONNECT WITH FRIENDS (OLD & NEW) – it’s so easy these days to get wrapped up in our personal lives and busy schedules that we lose track of friendships. It’s almost like being selfish is the norm. I want to make a point to actually talk to my friends, not text/email/Facebook; have coffee and walking dates, spend time reconnecting over the things we love. I have amazing groups of friends in my life that I’ve met through different channels and I don’t want to lose sight of them or their importance in my life!

2. READ – I used to be an avid reader. I can get through a book in just a few days. But I can’t even tell you the name of the last book I read. I want to find a good long novel that I can just get lost in. One that I can relax with in a lounge chair while Lucas is napping, one that I never want to see end! (suggestions?)

1. LOVE THE LIFE I LIVE – this one is HUGE for me. As someone that is always on the go, I’ve been known to focus more on “the next thing” rather than what’s right in front of me. Living life that way allows important things, events and people to pass you by without fully appreciating them. I need to learn to take a step back and love every moment of the life I have. Between my job, my incredible husband, my adorable son, my family & friends – what’s not to love? Instead of wanting something more or wishing for something different I am going to focus on the here and now. As Ferris Bueller says “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

There they are … my Eleven Bucket-List items for the summer. It’s a big list and I know with the move it’ll be a challenge to get it all in but I’m determined. I hope you’ll follow me here, on Facebook and Instagram as I photograph and blog my way through my summer!

Happy Friday Bloggers!

9 Months On - 9 Months Off... The Weightloss Journey

As a piggy-back to my post on Monday I wanted to address the cliché of “Nine Months On, Nine Months Off”.

So many women in our society, myself included, feel immense pressure after giving birth to immediately look like we were never pregnant. We are expected to have a flat stomach, no stretch marks, wear our skinny jeans… basically nothing that resembles the actual reality. So I thought I would share with you my post-partum journey thus far.

Yesterday morning I got on the scale and saw 120.6 pounds…A number I haven’t seen in YEARS. Yes, YEARS. The day I found out I was pregnant with my son I stepped on the scale to set my benchmark – 130 pounds exactly. That was where I started. I don’t think I’ve seen 120 since I my bodybuilding days in 2011.

For the next thirty-three weeks I gained one pound per week. Steadily. I remember sitting in my 16 week appointment with my doctor and hearing her say to me “well, you’re definitely ahead of the curve in terms of weight-gain” and that I should try to slow down. I left that appointment in tears, not necessarily because of the number of pounds I gained, although by that point I was 146, but because I knew I was doing everything in my power to have the healthiest pregnancy I could. Up to that point I’d still been lifting five days a week and was doing three days of cardio. My diet was clean for the most part filled with complex carbs, lean proteins and healthy fats. I wasn’t the woman who was “succumbing” to her pregnancy and drowning in ice cream, pizza or cookies – no, I was determined to be even healthier than I had been prior to.

Regardless of how I was eating or what I was doing for exercise, my body was growing a baby and because of that, anything that happened physically was really out of my control. I watched as my waistline expanded, horrified at the size of my butt and thighs and the amount of cellulite growing on my rear. I was in maternity clothes by 12 weeks, and by 30 weeks was so uncomfortable I thought I was going to burst. Outside of work I literally lived in stretch pants and sweatshirts. My hair in a constant ponytail, no make-up and no jewelry. I was a mess! At the start of my third trimester, Lucas had taken up residence on my sciatic nerve and no matter what I did, refused to move. I tried stretching, yoga, floating in the pool – and while I would get relief for a short time, pretty soon I’d feel him flip right back around and BAM the pain was back. Couple that with my ever increasing size and I was fairly miserable. I felt unattractive, ugly and fat. Nothing anyone said made me feel better. And when one family member told my husband (behind my back) that I was “enormous” I just about lost it. I hated feeling that way but there was nothing I could do to change it.

Scarily on the way to my 37 week appointment the pain in my sciatic nerve was so intense that it caused me to lose my balance and I tumbled down a set of stairs. I was immediately put on bed rest by my doctor for the remainder of my pregnancy – which luckily for me was only two weeks.

At my 39 week check up on September 4 my doctor weighed me one last time and the scale read 163 pounds. I was officially the heaviest I’d ever been. I knew my pregnancy was nearing an end (though I never expected to go into labor that very night) but still the number was shocking. I kept thinking about all the work I was going to have to do to “get my body back.” But the next morning when Lucas was born I forgot all about it, my son was the only thing I cared about! J

A week after I left the hospital, and was fully settled in back at home, I began to get into a routine of carefully moving around and eating healthy again. The first time I stepped on the scale I was down to 155 pounds, eight pounds lighter than when I gave birth. It was motivating yes, but also reminded me once again about where I’d been and where I was. I wasn’t given the green light to start working out fully again until six weeks postpartum so the main thing I did during the first six weeks was to really focus on healthy eating. I was back in my routine of six meals a day loaded with veggies and protein and drinking a ton of water. Since I was breastfeeding I also needed to make sure I was consuming enough calories so that gave me the freedom to have a treat every day! The pounds slowly came off during my maternity leave and when I went back to work at nine weeks postpartum I was 148 pounds.

Quick sidestory – during my entire pregnancy people would say “you’ll bounce back so quickly” or “I’m sure you’ll have no trouble losing the weight” so I was convinced I’d be one of those women that would be back in pre-pregnancy clothes by the end of my maternity leave – boy was I wrong.

I went back to work the first week of November, at the very start of the holiday season. And I wore my maternity clothes, straight through the New Year. I am the first to admit, I was lazy. I was overwhelmed and I was frustrated. We were going through a lot as a family at that time, we’d just brought our son home, we sold our house and moved in with my parents, I started a brand new job, my husband started a new job and it was the holidays. To say I had a lot on my plate was an understatement. So my exercise and diet took a back seat. I continued to wear sweatpants and t-shirts on weekends, which of course did nothing for my self-image. I loathed what I saw in the mirror. I hated everything I tried on, I cried when I attempted to put on pre-pregnancy pants that didn’t fit, I yelled at my husband when he told me I looked amazing… I was in a dark place. It wasn’t until I connected with another mother who’d just had her first child that I began to see how silly I was. She too was struggling with the weight loss game, and here I was telling her how incredible she looked, that she was my inspiration yet hating myself. How hypocritical could one person be. So I changed my outlook.

Just before Christmas I called my bodybuilding coach and told him how frustrated I was. We came up with a plan to get me back “on track” and to where I wanted to be. And despite the fact that I knew during that conversation I wasn’t ready, I agreed to it anyway, and within just a few weeks after starting my plan I quit. It was too much for me to handle at that point in my life – I had a newborn that took up every free moment I had, and I didn’t want to be away from him training at the gym. So needless to say, my weight stalled. I was stuck in the 140’s for almost four months.

In January at the urging of a dear friend I reached out to Julie Chapleau of Team Best FitBody. We spoke for a few hours over the course of two days, about where I’d been, where I was and what my goals were. As a woman and mother, she understood the limitations a new mom faces and the challenges of balancing motherhood, a full time job and a fitness regimen. She put together a plan for me that worked with my lifestyle, four days of lifting, four days of cardio and a diet that made sense. The goal was to get me to a healthy weight for my body (in the mid-120’s) without excessive training and restrictive dieting. On my plan I could, and still do, eat things like pizza and ice cream but it’s balanced with clean foods. I quickly learned to not feel guilty after eating a treat and that sometimes it’s exactly what I needed. When I was able to do that I was able to appreciate what my body had done and was doing.

When I started with Julie on January 19, I sent her my weight of 132 pounds. Over the next 20 weeks my weight fluctuated. There were weeks where I’d stay on track 100% and I’d lose 2 – 4 pounds, but there were other weeks where I’d fall completely off the wagon and I’d gain those pounds back. It was, and still is a work in progress. It’s not easy to do it all, for anyone that’s trying to live a healthy lifestyle, and for me as a new mom trying to balance it all can still be overwhelming at times. However, I’m not giving up. I’m continuing to make changes and alter my days to make things work. I’m adding in walks on my lunch break so that I can get in my cardio for the day or making tomorrow’s lunches while Lucas is napping in the afternoon. It’s all about scheduling.

When I looked at the calendar last week and realized it had been 9 months since Lucas was born it hit me that it had in fact taken a full nine months for me to lose all the weight (and then some) that I had gained. I never imagined it would take that long, nor did I ever think how fast it would go by.

And now that I’m here I look back and I realize how hard I was on myself. I look at pictures from before I was pregnant and while yes, I loved that body then, now I can appreciate what I have more. For nine months my body nurtured and grew a child. I had a vaginal birth (albeit with pain meds) and I chose to breastfeed (and still do). My body isn’t the same as it was before, my hips are wider, my breasts are saggier and my stomach is softer - and it will never be the same again. It’s fluffier, curvier and stronger … and I couldn’t be more proud of it. That’s not to say I don’t still have moments where I look at it and wish I was tighter here, or leaner there but I am appreciating every day. I’m focusing more on my internal happiness and that of my family.

I remember when people would say “cut yourself some slack, it took nine months to put it on, it’ll take nine months to take it off” and all I wanted to do was slap them silly. But they were right. For me it took that long. That’s not to say it will for everyone, but if it does, please, please, please try to go easy on yourself. On the days that you struggle, think about why you gained the weight you did, and think about what you’re willing to sacrifice to lose it. Maybe you’ll be genetically blessed to lose it without a lot of work, or maybe you’ll be like me where you have to really work hard at it, either way – you will get there and when you do be PROUD of yourself.

One of my favorite sayings is “it’s not a sprint – it’s a marathon” and that couldn’t be truer in this case. Yes, I wanted to lose that weight as quickly as I could – No, I wasn’t willing to sacrifice everything to do so. My marathon is still going, this isn’t the finish line for me but I’m happy where I am. As my weight climbs back up over the next couple months with the addition of muscle weight I will be proud of those changes, I will embrace them and I will love every single step.

I wish you all so much luck on your postpartum transformation journey - no matter what your end goal. Remember, you grew a child ... nothing is stronger than that!

Here is my entire journey ...

 

9 Months On - 9 Months Off

 

39 Weeks "IN" ... 39 Weeks "Out"

When I woke up this morning to the sound of my little man saying “da-da” and laughing in his pack n play I realized that 39 weeks ago today I held him in my arms for the first time after exactly 39 weeks of pregnancy. He’s officially been “out” as long as he was “in”…. AND today marks his 9 month birthday!

Thought it would be fun to do a quick picture comparison….

Here I am the day before I gave birth to him at 39 weeks weighing 163lbs:

Here I am today 39 weeks later weighing 123 pounds:

 

And here he is my 9 month old handsome little man – weighing in at 19lbs, 15oz and 28.5 inches tall!

 

Life has flown by these last nine months. I remember looking at his face the day he was born amazed and in awe of how perfect he was. As he’s grown and changed, I find myself more in awe every single day at the boy he’s becoming. I no longer see a tiny baby but a child, my child. The one that grew inside me for 39 weeks, the one that kicked me in my sleep to remind me he was there, the one that got the hiccups every single day (and still does), the one that sat on my sciatic nerve my entire third trimester, the one we wanted so badly. I see a curious child now, one that has been alert and aware since the moment he was born. The one who’s eyes light up when he sees me or his daddy. The one who reaches for me when he wants to be picked up, who snuggles against my chest when he’s not feeling well. This is my world, my son.

It’s amazing how quickly life goes by when you have a child. I remember before him, days used to drag by, especially in the winter – I would think “this week is never going to end”… now I find myself praying for more time, for extra hours in the day. Being a full-time working mom I only get a few hours a day with him and most of that time is spent getting his stuff ready for school the next day, making dinner and then nursing him and putting him to bed. I cherish our weekends together, when we can take long walks, roll around on the floor and just laugh and play for hours. And yet, I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. I like to believe (as naïve as it is) that he saves his “firsts” for us… he waits to do something for the first time until mommy or daddy are around. He wants us to see it, to smile and clap. And do we ever!! Everything this boy does is incredible. We think he’s the cutest, the smartest, the funniest, the most loving… as all parents do with their children. But really …. He is!

I can’t tell you how many times we get stopped by complete strangers so they can tell us how beautiful he is. He has these eyes that literally stare into your soul. He’s drinking in the world around him, fascinated by life. And what more could a parent wish for? I want him to continue to be curious, to want to learn and grow and experience life to the absolute fullest.

Today, as I looked down at him in his crib, and saw him curled up in a ball with his little bum in the air I cried. As fast as these last nine months have gone, I know the next 18 years will go even faster. I will continue to cherish every moment with him, cheer him in times of success and comfort him in times of sadness, we will nurture him and teach him, be his friend when he needs us and his nemesis when necessary, but most importantly we will love him with everything we have. To the Moon and Back, and Back Again.

Raichael's Standard Grocery List

As I mentioned in yesterday's post I have a standard list I use when I do my weekly grocery shopping. It varies a bit depending on what recipes I'm making that week but for the most part it looks the same:

• 4lbs boneless/skinless chicken breast
• 7 containers Danon Light & Fit Vanilla Greek Yogurt
• 7 containers 2% milk fat Breakstone’s cottage cheese
• 2lbs frozen broccoli spears
• 6 (32oz) containers liquid egg whites
• Joseph’s Flax Wraps
• Ingredients for my Chicken Chili
• 7 Gala apples / Bananas
• 1 box 100 calorie pack Cocoa Roasted Almonds
• 1lb Butterball Everyday Thin & Crispy turkey bacon
• 1 box low-fat Eggo Nutri-Grain waffles
• 4 Hass avocados
• 1 large spaghetti squash
• 1 container steel cut oats
• 1 box Uncle Ben’s brown rice or 1 bag of Earthly Choice quinoa
• 1 jar Skippy All-Natural PB (once a month)
• 1 jar of Heart Smart marinara sauce (in addition to the chili)
• 1 head iceberg lettuce
• 4 tomatoes on the vine
• 1 bag salt-free rice cakes (once a month)

These are my favorite, go-to items that I can mix and match to make some really delicious meals!

Am I selfish? The Answer Might Surprise You!

As I stood in my kitchen last night at 8:00pm prepping food for the week for both me and my mum (blog to come later on that one), I found myself feeling guilty. I could hear Lucas in the other room, laughing and playing with my husband and my mother. And yet, there I was wasting precious moments I could be spending with him, measuring out brown rice and weighing chicken.

Many people would probably look down on me for my choice, they’d probably say “these moments are so fleeting” and think a better mother would have portioned out what “looked” like 4oz of chicken and gone on her way. But I’m not that mom. I meticulously and perfectly measure, weigh and divide pretty much every bite that goes into my mouth. I don’t guestimate on portion sizes or use the “deck of cards” method when it comes to protein. This is my constant. Probably the one (and only) thing in my life I have full control over. That’s not to say I don’t indulge – I had a very delicious soft serve ice cream last night – but 90% of the time I know exactly what I’m eating. There are no hidden ingredients or unknown items.

On any given Sunday my day consists of going to the gym in the morning, then heading to the grocery store with my standard list of foods, then spending a minimum of two hours prepping food for the week. When all is said and done, it’s usually around 1:30pm or 2:00pm when I can breathe a sigh of relief. Then, and only then, can I turn 100% of my focus back to Lucas; prior to that he’s either sitting in his highchair acting as my sous-chef watching me cook or playing with his dad.

My work week is then scheduled around my workouts. Monday, Wednesday, Friday I pick Lucas up from school, strap him in his stroller and head out for a 2-3 mile walk; Tuesday and Thursday my mother generously picks him up for me so I can go to the gym and get in my lifting sessions. Saturday and Sunday mornings are daddy-Lucas time when I go to the gym and then head out for a run. I’m very lucky to have the support I have from my family to reach my goals but at the same time I also know I’m missing out on time with my son by doing these things when he’s awake. I’ve tried switching my schedule to go to the gym in the mornings before work but when your baby is still up 2-3 times a night to eat 5am comes very early!

When I finally got into bed last night I laid awake staring at the ceiling for what seemed like forever thinking through these choices. The one thing that kept sticking in my head was “am I being selfish?” … and the only answer that I could think of is “yes.” BUT, for me I need to be selfish. I’ve said since before Lucas was born, I didn’t want to let his birth rob me of my own identity. I didn’t want to just be someone’s mother – I want my son to know he’s the most important person in the world to me and that I would lay down my life for him, but I also want him to understand that mommy is a person too. Mommy has things she likes to do but she also knows how to juggle and multitask so that I can be there for the important things. I’ve never missed a bedtime, or a bath because I was working out or preparing food, I’m always there when he cries at night and if he’s fussy while I’m cooking I always stop what I’m doing to take care of his needs first.

You’ve heard the saying I’m sure “happy wife, happy life” … well I think it applies to motherhood too. I know myself well enough to know that when I’m happy life is easier for everyone. In order for me to be the best wife and mother I can, it’s important for me to continue to do the things that make me happy. Which is why I’ve created the routine I have. It gives me the ability to do these things without sacrificing too much time with my family.

Ultimately, yes I’m selfish – I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. But I challenge any of you to tell me you’re not. That manicure you got last weekend instead of buying your child the newest toy, the childless date night you had with your husband or the romantic overnight trip you’re planning this summer … those are all selfish acts. And that doesn’t make you a bad person. That makes you human, alive, engaged… so if you want to look down on me or think less of me for my choices have at it! In the meantime, I’ll just sit over here doing what I do and loving every minute of it!

 

Happy Mother's Day!

The moment a child is born the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman yes, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. – Rajeensh

As I looked at my son yesterday, while celebrating my first Mother’s Day it hit me (again) how much my world has changed these past eight months. This little man came into the world and literally made me something I’d never been before and never would have been without him.

Scrolling through Facebook and Instagram was like looking through a Hallmark catalog – flowers, cards, presents – it was overwhelming. I too, was given a very meaningful gift from my husband and son – an Alex & Ani “Mom” bracelet. It didn’t cost a fortune, it wasn’t a grandiose gift by any means, but it’s probably one of the most meaningful gifts I’ve ever been given.

Being a mom means everything to me. It is by all accounts the best “job” I’ve ever had. Waking up every morning to Lucas saying “da-da” and snuggling into my arms is truly awesome. When he smiles at me, with his two little teeth, I can’t help but smile back no matter how rough the day was. When his eyes light up when I pick him up from school and how he curls into my chest at night when he’s sleepy … these are moments I treasure. Yes, I’m being sentimental and sappy but I just can’t help it. Being a mom, HIS mom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. I love our moments together, whether he’s crawling on the floor or sitting in the stroller on our walks, those are the best.

I love that right now, in this moment in time he needs me – no one else can give him what I can. I’m his mom, now and forever. I know as the years go on our relationship will change and he won’t need me as much, but I hope he always knows how much I love him and that I’ll always need him.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there!! I hope you felt as much love yesterday (and every day) as I did!

Birthday Cake Protein Muffins

Birthday Cake Protein Muffins

 

INGREDIENTS:

-          1 ½  cup rolled oats, ground in food processor
-          4 scoops Dymatize Birthday Cake protein powder
-          1 cup liquid egg whites
-          1 tsp baking powder
-          1 cup water
-          28g mini chocolate chips

DIRECTIONS:

-          Preheat oven to 350
-          Combine all ingredients in a large bowl (except chocolate chips), stir until smooth
            (mixture will seem “watery”)
-          Spray muffin tin with PAM (I used two 6 cup muffin tins)
-          Pour  1/3 cup mixture into each section
-          Top each muffin with 2.3g of chocolate chips
-          Bake for 25-30 minutes or until edges start to pull away from pan, and tops feel firm

MACROS (1 muffin)

-          11.55g Protein
-          6.33g Carbohydrates
-          1.08g Fat
-          84.43 Calories

233 Days

That's how long we've gone without a drop of formula.

7 months, 10 days. 117 days of pumping 3x per day (while working full time), another 56 days pumping 2x per day (while breastfeeding on maternity leave) and 46 days pumping 1x per (while breastfeeding on weekends). I have pumped 509 times so far and breastfed on average 1,165 times since my son was born. That doesn’t include the power-pumping sessions to try to increase my supply or the many, many nights of cluster feedings during growth spurts.

And yet today I sit here feeling defeated. I feel like I’ve failed. Today was the first day my son had formula. To say it was hard to prepare his bottles this morning would be a lie … it was excruciating. I decided to send one bottle with solely breast-milk and two more split 50/50 with formula. But as I put them in his bag I stopped, I thought “I can squeeze in 20 minutes of pumping, I don’t need to send this” … but by then we were already late and I knew that wasn’t a viable option. So I zippered his bag closed with tears in my eyes and off we went.

I know there are those of you out there looking at your computer screen saying “you made it 7 months, you should be proud!” but I also know there are some that are probably thinking “you didn’t try hard enough” …and that’s how I’m feeling right now. Maybe I should have taken more time to pump when I was on maternity leave, maybe I should have introduced power-pumping earlier, maybe I should have done middle-of-the-night pumping sessions, maybe, maybe, maybe… but guess what? I didn’t. I didn’t want to sacrifice the little time I had on maternity leave pumping – those 20 minutes I couldn’t be holding my son, playing with him, looking in his eyes – I’d chose those moments over pumping any day. It doesn’t help that my initial pumping experience was awful (see post) and that I almost wanted to give up then. It doesn’t help that every time AF rears her ugly head my supply dwindles to practically nothing. And it certainly doesn’t help that when I’ve been sick and unable to eat or drink anything my supply takes another hit, which when you have a child in daycare happens more frequently than I’d like.

Slowly but surely over these past few weeks, I’ve watched as my already incredibly small freezer stash has dwindled away to nothing. And with each defrosted bag, my dreams and hopes of making it 12 months on breast-milk alone were shattered just a little more. I have two bags left in the freezer – 11oz – that’s it. 509 sessions and that’s all I have to show for it. I could have pulled those out this morning and sent them to daycare to get one more day of 100% breast-milk into my son, but logic said not too. Logic said, use today (and possibly the rest of the week) to send 50/50 bottles. Pump as much as you can at work, power-pump once at night and hopefully maybe by the Grace of God, next week I’ll have enough stored again to send only breast-milk to daycare. But if not, I have to be okay with knowing I’m still sending some breast-milk.

At this point I don’t care if I have a “stash” in fact I don’t want one…what I would like though would be to make enough to send to school every day … that’s a measly 15oz… why is that so hard?

And why am I being so hard on myself for having to send formula? I personally know SO many women that have raised their children on formula only, or had to switch because they were unable to pump at work, or like me watched in horror as their supply just decreased on its own.

I was talking to a someone about my “situation” this past weekend because I knew then that I was going to have to start supplementing and wanted input and her response was “Oh, that’s really too bad. You’ve made it this far it would be such a shame to not make it all the way”… I don’t think she realized the impact of what she said. I know she wasn’t trying to be hurtful or judgmental but hearing that only made me feel worse about what I was going to have to do. Truth is, I didn’t tell her I was sending formula today because I wasn’t sure what her reaction was going to be. I don’t think she knows how difficult it was/is for me or how emotional of a decision it actually was. I don’t think she knows that I feel like I’ve failed or that I feel like in some way it makes me a bad mother.

And maybe that’s the bigger issue. Before Lucas was born, I’d find myself sometimes silently questioning the actions of other mothers, as if I knew better (that’s funny right?). But once I became a mother I realized that every family is different and every child is different. What works for one doesn’t always work for all. You have to do what’s best for you and your family. And yet, I constantly feel judged. I feel like people are questioning my mothering abilities. I watch as other mothers make their own baby food while I pack jarred Earth’s Best, or mothers that are still breastfeeding at 12 months while I am introducing formula at 7 months, or mothers that stay home with their babies while I work full time. I need to take a step back and applaud myself for everything I have done and continue to do for my son. He has a family that loves him to the moon and back, a roof over his head, food in his belly, clothes on his back, books to read, toys to play with, a dog to snuggle and an entire world to discover. I need to learn to stop judging myself. To trust that I’m making the best decisions for us, to know that I am a good mother.

While all of this was going through my head this morning I came across my friend (and photographer) Melanie’s blog on Facebook. Her words “It’s Motherhood, Not Martyr-hood” couldn’t be truer and were exactly what I needed to read today.  So I send a million thanks her way, for reminding me that while my choices may not live up to the pressures of our generation, they are mine and I should hold my head high.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to look myself in the mirror and tell myself I’m an AWESOME mom, that I’m doing the very best I possibly can and that NO ONE can take that away from me.

And to every mother I ever judged, silently or otherwise, please accept my sincerest of apologies. I never realized how hard this job really is!

Toughest Job in the World

Would you apply for this job? Millions of us have without even meaning to...

My Current Mommy Struggle

It’s been a while since I last blogged but life has been keeping me pretty busy! Lucas turned 7 months this past weekend (update to come) and we’ve been all over the place trying to re-settle in after vacation, find our new home and live our normal life.

I’ve also been having some internal personal struggles. A few things have been weighing on me lately but the biggest one is the lack of time I get to spend with my son. Now I know I said back in November that I wanted (no, needed) to be something more than just a mom, but as time has flown by I’ve realized that there is truly nothing I want more in this world than to be able to stay home with my son. My husband laughs and says it’s “just because you don’t want to work anymore”, but that has nothing to do with it. Every day that I drop Lucas off at daycare is another day that I don’t get to spend with him. It’s another nine hours that he’s with someone else that will watch him, play with him, experience his growth and ultimately influence him. I love our daycare, I truly do, the women there are amazing and they love Lucas almost as much as we do, but it’s becoming more and more difficult for me to say goodbye every morning. With each passing milestone I get more frustrated. Each time I see him do something for the first time I wonder if it’s really the first time or if he’s already done it at daycare. And now that he’s even more aware of his surroundings and the people around him, he’s starting to reach for his teacher in the morning which only further breaks my heart. Again, I have to reiterate how much I love our daycare and his teacher (I’ve known her for 20 years) it doesn’t take away the fact that it hurts to see him reach for someone else! 

Couple that with the fact that more than a handful of my friends have now reduced their hours or left the workplace altogether for this very reason and my emotions are in overdrive. I know that so many women do exactly what I am doing every day and they manage to make it work and I know being a stay-at-home-mom is just as “un-glamorous” as being a working-mom, but still my heart aches for him during the day. I look at his pictures while I’m pumping for the millionth time, struggling to produce enough milk for his daycare bottles  and I wonder what we’d be doing if we were together. Would we be reading a new book, or taking a long walk, or just sitting outside listening to nature? But instead I sit in a cold dreary office (as most are) watching the minutes tick by until I can go pick him up and have just a few precious hours with him before he goes to bed. I envy my sister, who as a teacher, gets out of school at 3pm(ish), and has multiple weeks of vacation every year to spend with her son. C was born at the end of January, so after her maternity leave ended she went back to work for three weeks before having the entire summer off. She didn’t have to drop him at daycare until he was almost 8 months old… I on the other hand was dropping Lucas off at 9 weeks. It literally breaks my heart to look back at how few pictures I have of him at 9, 10, 11 weeks because we weren’t together. After going back to work so early I vowed that on our next baby I would take the full 12 weeks. But as it turns out my employer does not offer maternity leave. So, once again I’d be in a situation where any leave I take would be unpaid.

Spending a week with Lucas and my husband (along with S, B & C) in Florida made me realize even further how much I want to be home with him. Being able to wake up every morning knowing we had a full day ahead was so wonderful. I was sad to come home (as I typically am after a vacation) and Brian had to practically beg me not to go into my “post vacation depression”…while I was able to keep a smile on my face this time, knowing that we were going back to our “normal” routine weighed heavily on my mind. So, I did what I always do, I started thinking (obsessively) about how I could make my dream of staying home a reality. I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t be able to not work at all, so the idea of doing something part-time on nights and weekends entered my brain. That way I’d be home with Lucas during the week, we could avoid the cost of daycare (a huge savings over the course of a year) and I would still be able to have some adult interaction and have that sense of being a “contributing member of society” that I know I’ll want and need. You know that saying, “everything happens for a reason,” well maybe the reason we sold our house so quickly and we haven’t been able to find another one is because of this (am I reaching?). While my brain was in overdrive I also spent some time crunching numbers. I figured out what our new home budget would allow for if I were to work from home. These two things put together confirmed my decision. I spoke with Brian and amazingly enough he is on board with the idea. It’s not something that is going to happen immediately (see previous living situation issue) but it’s something we’ve both agreed would be best for our family. Yes, it might mean cutting back on some of the “fun” stuff but at the end of the day family is really the most important thing isn’t it?

All of this being said, we have a ways to go before it could even potentially happen (I’m hoping by mid-summer) but knowing what we’re working toward gives me a new sense of calm. It makes those morning drop-offs just a bit easier. With every passing day I’m (hopefully) one day closer to being home with my son. We still haven’t figured out all the nit-picky details like who will help me with nighttime daycare when Brian travels or what I’ll do for work but I have no doubt that we’ll figure it out…it always seems to fall into place just when we needed it to most!

Joyce Moulton's Buffalo Chicken Muffins

Buffalo Chicken "Muffins"

Ingredients:

1lb lean ground chicken breast

2 (1/3 cup) cage free organic egg whites

½ cup oats

Finely chopped  adult carrot

Finely chopped teenage celery stalk

Finely chopped green onion

(optional: handful of chopped baby spinach leaves)

2 tbsp. Franks Original Red Hot sauce

2 tbsp. Trader Joes List Chili  Pepper Sauce (adds even more flavor without the sodium!)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Spray a muffin tin with non-stick cooking spray

Scoop desired amount into each well (roughly 2.5 oz per “muffin”)

Bake for 20 minutes or until the tops are brown and chicken is cooked through

10 Servings (one 2.5oz muffin)

66 Calories, 11 Protein, 5 Carbs, o .8 Fat

Recipe Courtesy of: Joyce Moulton (Ponytail Power)

Happy 30th to Me!

On February 28^th I celebrated a pretty significant milestone in my life (at least I think so). I turned 30… the Big Three-Oh… the Dirty Thirty! FINALLY!

I’ve been struggling with the idea of turning thirty for a while now, but now that it’s happened, really what difference does it make? Truthfully I feel like people think you’re more of an adult when you aren’t in your 20’s anymore. That somehow those extra 365 days from 29 and 30 actually makes a difference between who you were and who you now are.

Brian and I (along with S, B & C) already have a vacation planned for the middle of March that was meant to be my birthday gift from Brian, but because he spoils me so, he knew I’d also want a party! For the weeks leading up to my birthday he’d been working with my mum, sister and a little input from me to put together a pretty spectacular party. When he asked me what type of party I wanted, I waffled – at first I wanted an 80’s themed roller-skating party, but then we found out you can drink and skate so that was out; then I thought maybe bowling would be fun because you can definitely drink and bowl but then we saw the price and that was out too; we finally settled on a fancy-schmancy cocktail party hosted by Brian at my parents’ house.

With the help of a family friend (who just so happens to be a caterer) we put together a menu of delicious “pickies” – scallops wrapped in bacon, chicken & beef skewers, wonton wrapped shrimp, stuffed mushrooms, a cheese platter and a crudité. All my favorite things. THEN, just a week before the party, Sarah asked me what we were thinking about for dessert. Have you honestly ever been to a party (weddings included) where people actually eat the cake? Probably not, so we knew that wasn’t the route we wanted to go. We thought maybe we’d ask Hannah to make cupcakes, but being on such short notice I didn’t think it was fair to ask. Sarah mentioned the idea of a chocolate fountain, reminiscent of the one we had at our wedding. I couldn’t have come up with a better option. We were able to locate a company called Dolce Indulgence, near my parents’ house that rents them (including the chocolate and skewers for up to 50 people) that happened to have one available for the day of the party – problem solved! Although it was pointed out to us after the fact that because we didn’t have a cake we also didn’t sing Happy Birthday! Oops!

Then came the issue of what I was going to wear. Now, I know for some people that probably sounds so materialistic, but honestly the biggest reason I wanted a fancy party was so I could get dressed up! Everyone else could have come in jeans for all I cared as long as I was dressed it didn’t matter to me. I immediately went to my Facebook friends to ask opinions of where to go and someone suggested Rent The Runway. I’d heard of the company before but never had a reason to use them so hadn’t looked into it. But as soon as I did I knew I would be renting a dress. Why bother going out, spending $50-100 on a dress you’re going to wear once and then hang in your closet and never see again? I was able to browse thousands of designer dresses from Badgley Mischka to Kate Spade before I settled on a TIBI navy-blue long-sleeved backless sequined number. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. The dress retails for $385 but I rented it for under $50! It arrived the day before the party and it was PERFECT! It was exactly what I was hoping for! I paired it with a gorgeous pair of earrings from Francesca’s Collection and a pair of hot pink pumps from my mother’s massive shoe collection. I’d had my hair done that afternoon at Dellaria in Danvers and felt like a princess.  And of course I had the best looking date there!

We chose to go with a black and white theme for the party décor. From the flower arrangements created by my in-laws to the balloons (all 42 of them) to the linens and straws everything was black and white. It was perfectly elegant. But knowing the crowd we also wanted something “fun” so we decided (or I should say I decided) that we needed to have a photo booth. Brian built a frame out of PVC pipe from Home Depot for about $10 and I purchased a piece of white fabric for less than that. I downloaded a party pack from Esty and had them printed on heavy cardstock at Staples. We secured them to black and white dowels and displayed them in the den. We set up my camera to take photos on a 10 second time delay and away we went. It was a “house rule” that no one could leave the party without taking at least one photo booth picture! It was such a blast the next morning to look back at the photos and watch the night progress from the very tame (sober) beginnings to the “Last of the Mohicans”!

All in all, the party was exactly what I was hoping it would be. I can’t think of a better way to ring in my new decade than to be surrounded by our closest friends and family!!