Am I selfish? The Answer Might Surprise You!

As I stood in my kitchen last night at 8:00pm prepping food for the week for both me and my mum (blog to come later on that one), I found myself feeling guilty. I could hear Lucas in the other room, laughing and playing with my husband and my mother. And yet, there I was wasting precious moments I could be spending with him, measuring out brown rice and weighing chicken.

Many people would probably look down on me for my choice, they’d probably say “these moments are so fleeting” and think a better mother would have portioned out what “looked” like 4oz of chicken and gone on her way. But I’m not that mom. I meticulously and perfectly measure, weigh and divide pretty much every bite that goes into my mouth. I don’t guestimate on portion sizes or use the “deck of cards” method when it comes to protein. This is my constant. Probably the one (and only) thing in my life I have full control over. That’s not to say I don’t indulge – I had a very delicious soft serve ice cream last night – but 90% of the time I know exactly what I’m eating. There are no hidden ingredients or unknown items.

On any given Sunday my day consists of going to the gym in the morning, then heading to the grocery store with my standard list of foods, then spending a minimum of two hours prepping food for the week. When all is said and done, it’s usually around 1:30pm or 2:00pm when I can breathe a sigh of relief. Then, and only then, can I turn 100% of my focus back to Lucas; prior to that he’s either sitting in his highchair acting as my sous-chef watching me cook or playing with his dad.

My work week is then scheduled around my workouts. Monday, Wednesday, Friday I pick Lucas up from school, strap him in his stroller and head out for a 2-3 mile walk; Tuesday and Thursday my mother generously picks him up for me so I can go to the gym and get in my lifting sessions. Saturday and Sunday mornings are daddy-Lucas time when I go to the gym and then head out for a run. I’m very lucky to have the support I have from my family to reach my goals but at the same time I also know I’m missing out on time with my son by doing these things when he’s awake. I’ve tried switching my schedule to go to the gym in the mornings before work but when your baby is still up 2-3 times a night to eat 5am comes very early!

When I finally got into bed last night I laid awake staring at the ceiling for what seemed like forever thinking through these choices. The one thing that kept sticking in my head was “am I being selfish?” … and the only answer that I could think of is “yes.” BUT, for me I need to be selfish. I’ve said since before Lucas was born, I didn’t want to let his birth rob me of my own identity. I didn’t want to just be someone’s mother – I want my son to know he’s the most important person in the world to me and that I would lay down my life for him, but I also want him to understand that mommy is a person too. Mommy has things she likes to do but she also knows how to juggle and multitask so that I can be there for the important things. I’ve never missed a bedtime, or a bath because I was working out or preparing food, I’m always there when he cries at night and if he’s fussy while I’m cooking I always stop what I’m doing to take care of his needs first.

You’ve heard the saying I’m sure “happy wife, happy life” … well I think it applies to motherhood too. I know myself well enough to know that when I’m happy life is easier for everyone. In order for me to be the best wife and mother I can, it’s important for me to continue to do the things that make me happy. Which is why I’ve created the routine I have. It gives me the ability to do these things without sacrificing too much time with my family.

Ultimately, yes I’m selfish – I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. But I challenge any of you to tell me you’re not. That manicure you got last weekend instead of buying your child the newest toy, the childless date night you had with your husband or the romantic overnight trip you’re planning this summer … those are all selfish acts. And that doesn’t make you a bad person. That makes you human, alive, engaged… so if you want to look down on me or think less of me for my choices have at it! In the meantime, I’ll just sit over here doing what I do and loving every minute of it!