233 Days

That's how long we've gone without a drop of formula.

7 months, 10 days. 117 days of pumping 3x per day (while working full time), another 56 days pumping 2x per day (while breastfeeding on maternity leave) and 46 days pumping 1x per (while breastfeeding on weekends). I have pumped 509 times so far and breastfed on average 1,165 times since my son was born. That doesn’t include the power-pumping sessions to try to increase my supply or the many, many nights of cluster feedings during growth spurts.

And yet today I sit here feeling defeated. I feel like I’ve failed. Today was the first day my son had formula. To say it was hard to prepare his bottles this morning would be a lie … it was excruciating. I decided to send one bottle with solely breast-milk and two more split 50/50 with formula. But as I put them in his bag I stopped, I thought “I can squeeze in 20 minutes of pumping, I don’t need to send this” … but by then we were already late and I knew that wasn’t a viable option. So I zippered his bag closed with tears in my eyes and off we went.

I know there are those of you out there looking at your computer screen saying “you made it 7 months, you should be proud!” but I also know there are some that are probably thinking “you didn’t try hard enough” …and that’s how I’m feeling right now. Maybe I should have taken more time to pump when I was on maternity leave, maybe I should have introduced power-pumping earlier, maybe I should have done middle-of-the-night pumping sessions, maybe, maybe, maybe… but guess what? I didn’t. I didn’t want to sacrifice the little time I had on maternity leave pumping – those 20 minutes I couldn’t be holding my son, playing with him, looking in his eyes – I’d chose those moments over pumping any day. It doesn’t help that my initial pumping experience was awful (see post) and that I almost wanted to give up then. It doesn’t help that every time AF rears her ugly head my supply dwindles to practically nothing. And it certainly doesn’t help that when I’ve been sick and unable to eat or drink anything my supply takes another hit, which when you have a child in daycare happens more frequently than I’d like.

Slowly but surely over these past few weeks, I’ve watched as my already incredibly small freezer stash has dwindled away to nothing. And with each defrosted bag, my dreams and hopes of making it 12 months on breast-milk alone were shattered just a little more. I have two bags left in the freezer – 11oz – that’s it. 509 sessions and that’s all I have to show for it. I could have pulled those out this morning and sent them to daycare to get one more day of 100% breast-milk into my son, but logic said not too. Logic said, use today (and possibly the rest of the week) to send 50/50 bottles. Pump as much as you can at work, power-pump once at night and hopefully maybe by the Grace of God, next week I’ll have enough stored again to send only breast-milk to daycare. But if not, I have to be okay with knowing I’m still sending some breast-milk.

At this point I don’t care if I have a “stash” in fact I don’t want one…what I would like though would be to make enough to send to school every day … that’s a measly 15oz… why is that so hard?

And why am I being so hard on myself for having to send formula? I personally know SO many women that have raised their children on formula only, or had to switch because they were unable to pump at work, or like me watched in horror as their supply just decreased on its own.

I was talking to a someone about my “situation” this past weekend because I knew then that I was going to have to start supplementing and wanted input and her response was “Oh, that’s really too bad. You’ve made it this far it would be such a shame to not make it all the way”… I don’t think she realized the impact of what she said. I know she wasn’t trying to be hurtful or judgmental but hearing that only made me feel worse about what I was going to have to do. Truth is, I didn’t tell her I was sending formula today because I wasn’t sure what her reaction was going to be. I don’t think she knows how difficult it was/is for me or how emotional of a decision it actually was. I don’t think she knows that I feel like I’ve failed or that I feel like in some way it makes me a bad mother.

And maybe that’s the bigger issue. Before Lucas was born, I’d find myself sometimes silently questioning the actions of other mothers, as if I knew better (that’s funny right?). But once I became a mother I realized that every family is different and every child is different. What works for one doesn’t always work for all. You have to do what’s best for you and your family. And yet, I constantly feel judged. I feel like people are questioning my mothering abilities. I watch as other mothers make their own baby food while I pack jarred Earth’s Best, or mothers that are still breastfeeding at 12 months while I am introducing formula at 7 months, or mothers that stay home with their babies while I work full time. I need to take a step back and applaud myself for everything I have done and continue to do for my son. He has a family that loves him to the moon and back, a roof over his head, food in his belly, clothes on his back, books to read, toys to play with, a dog to snuggle and an entire world to discover. I need to learn to stop judging myself. To trust that I’m making the best decisions for us, to know that I am a good mother.

While all of this was going through my head this morning I came across my friend (and photographer) Melanie’s blog on Facebook. Her words “It’s Motherhood, Not Martyr-hood” couldn’t be truer and were exactly what I needed to read today.  So I send a million thanks her way, for reminding me that while my choices may not live up to the pressures of our generation, they are mine and I should hold my head high.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to look myself in the mirror and tell myself I’m an AWESOME mom, that I’m doing the very best I possibly can and that NO ONE can take that away from me.

And to every mother I ever judged, silently or otherwise, please accept my sincerest of apologies. I never realized how hard this job really is!

Toughest Job in the World

Would you apply for this job? Millions of us have without even meaning to...

My Current Mommy Struggle

It’s been a while since I last blogged but life has been keeping me pretty busy! Lucas turned 7 months this past weekend (update to come) and we’ve been all over the place trying to re-settle in after vacation, find our new home and live our normal life.

I’ve also been having some internal personal struggles. A few things have been weighing on me lately but the biggest one is the lack of time I get to spend with my son. Now I know I said back in November that I wanted (no, needed) to be something more than just a mom, but as time has flown by I’ve realized that there is truly nothing I want more in this world than to be able to stay home with my son. My husband laughs and says it’s “just because you don’t want to work anymore”, but that has nothing to do with it. Every day that I drop Lucas off at daycare is another day that I don’t get to spend with him. It’s another nine hours that he’s with someone else that will watch him, play with him, experience his growth and ultimately influence him. I love our daycare, I truly do, the women there are amazing and they love Lucas almost as much as we do, but it’s becoming more and more difficult for me to say goodbye every morning. With each passing milestone I get more frustrated. Each time I see him do something for the first time I wonder if it’s really the first time or if he’s already done it at daycare. And now that he’s even more aware of his surroundings and the people around him, he’s starting to reach for his teacher in the morning which only further breaks my heart. Again, I have to reiterate how much I love our daycare and his teacher (I’ve known her for 20 years) it doesn’t take away the fact that it hurts to see him reach for someone else! 

Couple that with the fact that more than a handful of my friends have now reduced their hours or left the workplace altogether for this very reason and my emotions are in overdrive. I know that so many women do exactly what I am doing every day and they manage to make it work and I know being a stay-at-home-mom is just as “un-glamorous” as being a working-mom, but still my heart aches for him during the day. I look at his pictures while I’m pumping for the millionth time, struggling to produce enough milk for his daycare bottles  and I wonder what we’d be doing if we were together. Would we be reading a new book, or taking a long walk, or just sitting outside listening to nature? But instead I sit in a cold dreary office (as most are) watching the minutes tick by until I can go pick him up and have just a few precious hours with him before he goes to bed. I envy my sister, who as a teacher, gets out of school at 3pm(ish), and has multiple weeks of vacation every year to spend with her son. C was born at the end of January, so after her maternity leave ended she went back to work for three weeks before having the entire summer off. She didn’t have to drop him at daycare until he was almost 8 months old… I on the other hand was dropping Lucas off at 9 weeks. It literally breaks my heart to look back at how few pictures I have of him at 9, 10, 11 weeks because we weren’t together. After going back to work so early I vowed that on our next baby I would take the full 12 weeks. But as it turns out my employer does not offer maternity leave. So, once again I’d be in a situation where any leave I take would be unpaid.

Spending a week with Lucas and my husband (along with S, B & C) in Florida made me realize even further how much I want to be home with him. Being able to wake up every morning knowing we had a full day ahead was so wonderful. I was sad to come home (as I typically am after a vacation) and Brian had to practically beg me not to go into my “post vacation depression”…while I was able to keep a smile on my face this time, knowing that we were going back to our “normal” routine weighed heavily on my mind. So, I did what I always do, I started thinking (obsessively) about how I could make my dream of staying home a reality. I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t be able to not work at all, so the idea of doing something part-time on nights and weekends entered my brain. That way I’d be home with Lucas during the week, we could avoid the cost of daycare (a huge savings over the course of a year) and I would still be able to have some adult interaction and have that sense of being a “contributing member of society” that I know I’ll want and need. You know that saying, “everything happens for a reason,” well maybe the reason we sold our house so quickly and we haven’t been able to find another one is because of this (am I reaching?). While my brain was in overdrive I also spent some time crunching numbers. I figured out what our new home budget would allow for if I were to work from home. These two things put together confirmed my decision. I spoke with Brian and amazingly enough he is on board with the idea. It’s not something that is going to happen immediately (see previous living situation issue) but it’s something we’ve both agreed would be best for our family. Yes, it might mean cutting back on some of the “fun” stuff but at the end of the day family is really the most important thing isn’t it?

All of this being said, we have a ways to go before it could even potentially happen (I’m hoping by mid-summer) but knowing what we’re working toward gives me a new sense of calm. It makes those morning drop-offs just a bit easier. With every passing day I’m (hopefully) one day closer to being home with my son. We still haven’t figured out all the nit-picky details like who will help me with nighttime daycare when Brian travels or what I’ll do for work but I have no doubt that we’ll figure it out…it always seems to fall into place just when we needed it to most!

Joyce Moulton's Buffalo Chicken Muffins

Buffalo Chicken "Muffins"

Ingredients:

1lb lean ground chicken breast

2 (1/3 cup) cage free organic egg whites

½ cup oats

Finely chopped  adult carrot

Finely chopped teenage celery stalk

Finely chopped green onion

(optional: handful of chopped baby spinach leaves)

2 tbsp. Franks Original Red Hot sauce

2 tbsp. Trader Joes List Chili  Pepper Sauce (adds even more flavor without the sodium!)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Spray a muffin tin with non-stick cooking spray

Scoop desired amount into each well (roughly 2.5 oz per “muffin”)

Bake for 20 minutes or until the tops are brown and chicken is cooked through

10 Servings (one 2.5oz muffin)

66 Calories, 11 Protein, 5 Carbs, o .8 Fat

Recipe Courtesy of: Joyce Moulton (Ponytail Power)

Happy 30th to Me!

On February 28^th I celebrated a pretty significant milestone in my life (at least I think so). I turned 30… the Big Three-Oh… the Dirty Thirty! FINALLY!

I’ve been struggling with the idea of turning thirty for a while now, but now that it’s happened, really what difference does it make? Truthfully I feel like people think you’re more of an adult when you aren’t in your 20’s anymore. That somehow those extra 365 days from 29 and 30 actually makes a difference between who you were and who you now are.

Brian and I (along with S, B & C) already have a vacation planned for the middle of March that was meant to be my birthday gift from Brian, but because he spoils me so, he knew I’d also want a party! For the weeks leading up to my birthday he’d been working with my mum, sister and a little input from me to put together a pretty spectacular party. When he asked me what type of party I wanted, I waffled – at first I wanted an 80’s themed roller-skating party, but then we found out you can drink and skate so that was out; then I thought maybe bowling would be fun because you can definitely drink and bowl but then we saw the price and that was out too; we finally settled on a fancy-schmancy cocktail party hosted by Brian at my parents’ house.

With the help of a family friend (who just so happens to be a caterer) we put together a menu of delicious “pickies” – scallops wrapped in bacon, chicken & beef skewers, wonton wrapped shrimp, stuffed mushrooms, a cheese platter and a crudité. All my favorite things. THEN, just a week before the party, Sarah asked me what we were thinking about for dessert. Have you honestly ever been to a party (weddings included) where people actually eat the cake? Probably not, so we knew that wasn’t the route we wanted to go. We thought maybe we’d ask Hannah to make cupcakes, but being on such short notice I didn’t think it was fair to ask. Sarah mentioned the idea of a chocolate fountain, reminiscent of the one we had at our wedding. I couldn’t have come up with a better option. We were able to locate a company called Dolce Indulgence, near my parents’ house that rents them (including the chocolate and skewers for up to 50 people) that happened to have one available for the day of the party – problem solved! Although it was pointed out to us after the fact that because we didn’t have a cake we also didn’t sing Happy Birthday! Oops!

Then came the issue of what I was going to wear. Now, I know for some people that probably sounds so materialistic, but honestly the biggest reason I wanted a fancy party was so I could get dressed up! Everyone else could have come in jeans for all I cared as long as I was dressed it didn’t matter to me. I immediately went to my Facebook friends to ask opinions of where to go and someone suggested Rent The Runway. I’d heard of the company before but never had a reason to use them so hadn’t looked into it. But as soon as I did I knew I would be renting a dress. Why bother going out, spending $50-100 on a dress you’re going to wear once and then hang in your closet and never see again? I was able to browse thousands of designer dresses from Badgley Mischka to Kate Spade before I settled on a TIBI navy-blue long-sleeved backless sequined number. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. The dress retails for $385 but I rented it for under $50! It arrived the day before the party and it was PERFECT! It was exactly what I was hoping for! I paired it with a gorgeous pair of earrings from Francesca’s Collection and a pair of hot pink pumps from my mother’s massive shoe collection. I’d had my hair done that afternoon at Dellaria in Danvers and felt like a princess.  And of course I had the best looking date there!

We chose to go with a black and white theme for the party décor. From the flower arrangements created by my in-laws to the balloons (all 42 of them) to the linens and straws everything was black and white. It was perfectly elegant. But knowing the crowd we also wanted something “fun” so we decided (or I should say I decided) that we needed to have a photo booth. Brian built a frame out of PVC pipe from Home Depot for about $10 and I purchased a piece of white fabric for less than that. I downloaded a party pack from Esty and had them printed on heavy cardstock at Staples. We secured them to black and white dowels and displayed them in the den. We set up my camera to take photos on a 10 second time delay and away we went. It was a “house rule” that no one could leave the party without taking at least one photo booth picture! It was such a blast the next morning to look back at the photos and watch the night progress from the very tame (sober) beginnings to the “Last of the Mohicans”!

All in all, the party was exactly what I was hoping it would be. I can’t think of a better way to ring in my new decade than to be surrounded by our closest friends and family!!

Six Month Update

We had Lucas’ six month check up on Wednesday the 5^th. 

I was convinced going into it that he was going to be well over 18lbs and 27in long. Boy was I surprised. Our little man weighed in at 16lbs 9oz and is 26.5in. He’s in the 32^nd percentile for weight and the 45^th for height… his head however is humongous! He’s in the 89^th percentile for his noggin – which isn’t a shock to me considering I had to push that thing out! Haha! The doctor said it’s just because he has such a big brain to fill with all sorts of knowledge!

Over this last month he has really started to come into his own. His personality is coming through more every day and he truly is the light of our life.

He has mastered the “multi-roll” and if I’m not paying attention can get from one place to another in seconds!! He can officially sit on his own – although if he gets too excited he topples over (because of his bobble-head). He is definitely teething and is putting every single thing possible, including his feet, into his mouth just to get some relief. He is fascinated by C and Berklee, always trying to figure out what they are doing and why he can’t do the same things yet. We’ve graduated from the swing (sad day) into the “circle of neglect” (or as we call it “his office”) and also the jumper. He absolutely LOVES to jump. Sometimes he’ll be crying because he’s hungry and laughing at the same time because he’s jumping. It’s a riot. He knows his name and will look at you when you call him. He can pass toys back and forth with his friends and loves anything that plays music – also not surprising given who his father is. His favorite songs are (in no particular order) “C is for Cookie” (we sing through each letter – A is for Auntie, B is for Berklee, C is for Charlie etc.), “The Wheels on the Bus” (he especially likes this if he’s in the Ergo and I bounce him “up and down” on the chorus), “You are my Sunshine” (I sing this to him every time he’s going down for a nap and at bedtime) and most recently “The Ants Go Marching” (and no not the Dave Matthews song)

But… the biggest difference between five and six months is that we tried solid foods for the first time! Lucas’ pediatrician gave us the go-ahead at his appointment but I had to wait because Brian was travelling and really wanted to be there for it (which I totally understand). We decided that carrots would be the first food he tried. Our doctor told us there is no set “color order” any more for solids (some people adamantly believe you have to start with orange and then progress to green and red) and that we could start with anything we wanted. He did suggest (as have Jami and others) that we start with a veggie first. If we started with fruit we’d be almost guaranteed that he’d eat it but then we might struggle getting him to try things that are less sweet. We waited until Sunday night to do it and it was hysterical. He’s just so curious about everything so the second he saw the bowl and spoon he immediately started reaching for them. I put the first spoonful in his mouth and his reaction was priceless! He scrunched up his nose and smirked as if to say “what the heck is this?” but then he couldn’t get enough of it! He of course painted the entire highchair with it but managed to keep himself relatively clean. It was such a huge milestone. I’ll admit I cried a little bit because as exciting as it is to watch him discover new foods it just even further proves how fast he’s growing! My baby isn’t so much a baby anymore!

We talked to his doctor at his appointment about his development and the doctor said he’s right on track. He’s doing everything he should be at this age and that he’s “perfect.” When we were discussing food he reminded us that “Food before one is just for fun” and that the majority of his nutrition is still going to come from breast milk. He also said the best time to experiment with foods is once in the morning and once at night – between nursing sessions. He said if we fed him immediately after I nursed him he’d be too full and wouldn’t take the food and if I waited until immediately before nursing he might be too hungry and frantic to really want the solids. So we’re going to try to schedule it so that I nurse him at 6:30am and then daycare will give him 1.5oz of carrots (or whatever he’s eating) between 8-8:15an then a bottle at 9:30am. We’re still trying to figure out the nighttime session though because typically he nurses at 6:30pm and again at 9:30pm but I’m not sure I want to be giving him solids at 8pm.... we’ll figure it out soon enough!

It’s still so crazy to me that we’re already discussing food schedules! I literally feel like I just gave birth to this little guy and now before I know it he’ll be walking!! It’s the most cliché saying ever but time really does fly. So, I’m still trying to absorb every move he makes and take as many pictures as I possibly can so I don’t forget one single minute of his life! There are days I find myself missing the tiny baby I brought home in September but then I look at the little boy he’s becoming and I just melt!

We leave for our first family vacation on March 19th so I probably won’t blog much during that week but I’m excited for that adventure! It’s going to be interested traveling with two small children (S, B & C are coming too)!

I just can’t wait to get out of all the snow and cold! Stay warm!

I'm SPONSORED!!!

I’m a SPONSORED ATHLETE!

Wow! I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to say those words. In my experience the majority of sponsored athletes (at least in the bodybuilding world) are at the Pro level of competition. I’ve watched many of my friends earn their pro-status over the last three years and quickly thereafter secure a sponsor. I didn’t make it to that level in 2011 and when I stepped away from the stage I didn’t think the chance for a sponsor would ever be a reality.

My very dear friend, and WNBF Figure Pro, Courtney McDonald is a three time sponsored athlete (Athletic Xtreme, Swole’s Gym & No Surrender). She has been in the pages of magazines, on radio and television programs and recently taken part in a very special ad campaign. In my mind those are the people that get sponsorship opportunities, not the new mom who hasn’t stepped on stage in three years.

So when I got the email late last night with the words “We would be interested in having you on the team” I practically fell over! I had, on a whim, applied for sponsorship with Athletic Xtreme, honestly never expecting anything to come of it. I told them my story, how I’ve always been athletic but could never find my niche. But then I was introduced to bodybuilding and everything changed. I got pregnant, continued to live a healthy lifestyle and am now ready to reclaim the body I once had… something about all that connected with them. Maybe it’s because my “journey” is going to be different than any other athlete they currently sponsor, or maybe I just have a really good way with words … who knows? Either way, they chose me! And I couldn’t be happier!

When I told my husband that I was sponsored his first question was “What does that mean?” … after we talked about it a bit, he was just as excited as I am, if not more so. He knows how much the bodybuilding world has changed me in so many ways and how much I long to get back on stage. But he also knows that right now Lucas is #1, that I’m not quite ready to commit to what an “on season” entails. He knows I’m happy where I am and how I’m progressing. I know with his support no matter what choice I make will be the right one.

I have no doubt that AX would like to see me step back on stage at some point in the near future, but I also know from what Courtney has told me, they support their athletes in all their endeavors. They have Cross-Fitters, members of our Armed Forces, Spartans, Powerlifters – you name, AX sponsors athletes across a broad range of industries.

I’m so excited to have this opportunity to promote Athletic Xtreme as I embark on a different sort of journey than many of my teammates, and I’m thrilled that they have chosen me to be a part of their family!!

I’m just a mom who wants to be as healthy and happy for my son as I possibly can. If I can live my dream of being in the fitness industry at the same time then I’m even more blessed than I already was.

Thank you to Athletic Xtreme, Brandon, Zach and the rest of the AX family for welcoming me with open arms! I promise you won’t be disappointed!!