2013 Reflection

Today is New Year’s Eve, and like every other year I like to take a little while and reflect on everything that’s happened this past year. 2013 truly was the best year of our lives thus far, I can’t imagine anything could possibly top it but am very much looking forward to what 2014 has in store.

On January 1, 2013 I woke up excited to once again begin a New Year. Brian and I had just gone through a very painful end to 2012 and were anxious to move past it and begin anew. But when I woke up that morning I felt “off” and in thinking about it realized that my last period had been in November. I tried not dwell for too long because my cycle had been crazy since my surgery but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was different. I looked in our medicine cabinet and there was one last pregnancy test remaining from the last box. I remember literally shaking as I took the test out of the wrapper. After taking the test I put it down and walked away. I went about my morning routine of making the bed and getting dressed. As I happened by the bathroom on my way to the linen closet I poked my head in and glanced at the test. I said out-loud “Rachael, you’re crazy it’s going to be negative” … so when I saw a very faint positive I practically fell over. I started laughing and then crying realizing that according to the test I was in fact pregnant. Brian was at work and there was no way I was going to share that news over the phone. I spent the day pacing up and down the hall, I went to CVS and bought a second test just to “make sure” and when that one was also positive I couldn’t contain my excitement. When Brian returned home from work, I told him I had a present for him. I made him close his eyes and handed him the test. He looked at it then at me and slowly a smile spread across his face. I could tell he was cautious about his excitement but at the same time I could see in his eyes how happy he was. It wasn’t until a few days later when I had my first ultrasound and we saw the tiniest little flutter on the screen that we could breathe! It had happened! We kept the secret to ourselves for two weeks and even then only told our immediate families. We met my parents for dinner and told them we’d found a Christmas present that we’d forgotten to give them. I pulled out an envelope and the moment my mother opened it she started to cry. She literally jumped out of her chair! It was the best reaction in the world. The next night we invited my in-laws for dinner and before they arrived we dressed Berklee in a “Big Sister” t-shirt. When Brian’s parents saw the shirt they were ecstatic! It truly was the very best start to a year we’d ever had!

Exactly thirty days later on January 31^st my life changed forever (again) when Sarah gave birth to a perfect 7 pound little boy! We had been anxiously awaiting his birth for weeks and when the announcement came my heart burst! I couldn’t WAIT to meet him and hold him. My sister was a MOTHER! Before C was born, I’d never really understood the love shared between and aunt and her nieces/nephews. But once he was born, I got it; because I knew that I would do anything and everything I could to help protect that little boy forever. I began to look imagine birthdays and events, watching him grow and learn…being an aunt became the most important job I’d ever had and I couldn’t wait to get started!

On February 28^th, my 29^th birthday  after six blood tests and four ultrasounds we had made it to the “safe zone” and felt ready to announce our pregnancy to the world. We took some time and called or saw close friends and some family first so feelings wouldn’t be hurt when we put it on social media. We tried to come up with a creative way to post it without having to “say” anything. Brian came up with the idea of using Berklee as our model. So we stacked two of my pregnancy books – “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and “1,001 Baby Names” on top of each other and had her sit with them. We took her photo and then uploaded it as our new profile pictures on Facebook. We left it at that. Within minutes our phones were blowing up like crazy with people texting, calling, commenting on our “announcement” – some people were a bit confused (which I found funny) and thought we were announcing Berklee’s pregnancy! It was a really fun way to put it out there for the world. At the same time, Brian and I had a very long conversation about how much we were going to share throughout my pregnancy. Up to that point I had been very active on social media, so much so that people would often make comments about not needing to see us because they knew our every move. It was those comments that made me decide that this pregnancy was going to be ours and ours alone. I vowed I would never post a picture of my ultrasounds online (I feel like that’s taking the whole sharing thing a bit too far for my liking) and that I would keep my pregnancy related posts to a minimum. Having gone through what we did, we really wanted to have my pregnancy be a personal and private journey between us, our child and our families. And we stuck to it; yes we posted some minor events and talked about our due date and gender reveal party but I wasn’t posting every move he made, or about every appointment I went to – it just wasn’t something I was going to share with the world in that manner.

 

After a lot of talking back and forth, and a little convincing on my part, Brian and I decided we were going to jump on the Gender Reveal bandwagon. We started coming up with ideas and plans on how and where we were going to do it. We decided it was going to be an intimate gathering at our house with friends and family. We had to keep the gender a secret for almost two weeks after we found out because my parents were away on vacation and we wanted to include them in the party. On April 17^th, a chilly day, 25 of our nearest and dearest descended upon our house. We went with a “mini” food theme and made all small bite appetizers and desserts. We used white linens and scattered pink and blue touches throughout. We put up a chalkboard and had everyone put their guess on the board. At the end of the party we brought out a big white box for the reveal. When we cut open the box a bunch of balloons were released and our families finally knew we were expecting a little boy! We couldn’t have been happier with how the party turned out and were even more excited to welcome our little guy later in the year.



The weekend of May 17^th Brian and I embarked on a mini “baby-moon.” We’d spent some time discussing taking a tropical vacation or heading to the beach somewhere, but decided to be more practical and stay close to home. We had gotten a Groupon for a cabin resort in Vermont and decided it would be perfect. My cousin Ryan and his wife joined us and we spent the weekend hiking, eating, having s’mores and just hanging out. We took Berklee and their dog Camilla with us and just had an amazing time. It may not have been extravagant by any means but it was the perfect baby-moon for us.



Adding even more excitement to our 2013, Brian’s brother was also expecting a baby boy at the end of July! He and his wife Jacyntha live in California so we see them very rarely. She had been unable to join us the previous December for Christmas as she was too early on in her pregnancy to travel safely so it had been a year and a half since I had seen her. I received an invitation to her baby shower and knew immediately I wanted to go. I secretly contacted my brother in law and told him of my plans. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fly out to see her when the baby was born as I would be too far along myself and she wasn’t going to be able to come out when our baby was born as she would have a newborn so this was the perfect and really only opportunity for us to see each other before we became mothers. Because of my work schedule I was only able to go for the long weekend so I jumped on a 5pm flight out of Boston on Friday May 24^th, I arrived in Los Angeles at 10pm and the surprise went off without a hitch! My sister in law had NO idea I was coming! The next morning was her shower, and I had the best time. It was wonderful to really spend time talking to her sisters and cousins and they made me feel like I was part of their family. Sunday morning we went to breakfast before they dropped me back off at the airport – it was a whirlwind weekend resulting in a total of 38 hours in California. I didn’t care how tired I was, I was just so happy to have seen her and to have been able to celebrate with them!

Brian and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary on July 12^th this year. We once again had discussed varying options of trips we’d like to take, but at that point I was 32 weeks pregnant and in no condition to really travel anywhere far. We had our traditional anniversary dinner at Café Escadrille where we were married on July 11^th and the next night (our actual anniversary) we opted to see one of our favorite country singers, Jason Aldean, play at Fenway Park. It was by far the most fun concert we’d ever been too. AND to top it off, Brian in his infinite wisdom knew diamonds wouldn’t hurt. So he took my engagement ring and had it reset into the most spectacular halo setting I’ve ever seen. He loves to spoil me and every time I’m more surprised and grateful! He really is the best husband!

The next morning, July 13th was my baby shower. It was hosted by my sister at my mother’s house and it was exactly what I would have done if I planned it myself. It was a Beatrix Potter theme, based off Lucas’ nursery and it was beautiful. My in-laws are florists and there were white flower arrangements everywhere. The tables were set with white linens (an obvious favorite of our family) with baby blue, light green and yellow touches spread around. We were “showered” by 40 of our closest friends and family and we couldn’t have been more grateful at all the incredible gifts we received. Lucas was spoiled long before he was even born!



C’s christening was the weekend of July 20^th in Maine. And I was blessed and honored to be asked to be his godmother. Since the moment he was born that little boy had stolen my heart so when my sister asked me, I knew just how special that was. I promised to always be there for him, no matter what, to bring him up in the eyes of the church (whatever church that is for him) and to be his friend forever. I also promised to spoil him rotten and buy him “extra special” presents on his birthday and Christmas!

Just two short days later on July 22^nd the call came that my second nephew, Ethan, had been born in California! It was a bittersweet moment for me, because even though I was literally over the moon I was so sad that I couldn’t rush right to the hospital and see the newest addition to the Novello family. I immediately counted the days on the calendar until Christmas, when we would finally meet him! But mommy and baby did great and Ethan was born at a healthy 8 pounds 10 ounces!

For the next seven weeks Brian and I anxiously awaited the birth of our own son. We took a short trip to the Cape, did some organizing and decorating of the nursery, spent time with friends and family and began to realize how much our life was going to change.

And then it happened – on Thursday September 5^th at 8:51am we welcomed into the world the most incredibly perfect little boy we could have ever wished for. Our little Lucas Joseph was 20.5 inches and 6 pounds 13 ounces. He captured our hearts in a way that can never be described and from the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew I would literally die to keep him safe always. I had a fairly easy birth so was really able to bask in that “new family” glow. I don’t think I took my eyes off him for even a moment that first day. All I wanted to do was stare at him, amazed at what Brian and I had created and how truly blessed we were to finally hold him in our arms.

Over the course of my maternity leave it became clear to both Brian and I that I could not return to work in Boston. Within just a few days I was on the computer looking at my options. I was very lucky to stumble upon a job that was right up my alley and on the day my maternity leave was to end with my prior employer, November 4th, I started my new job with East Boston Savings Bank. The timing couldn’t have been better and I have never been happier in a job! That very same day, we listed our house for sale. I had also realized while pregnant that living in Bradford was no longer what I wanted. I wanted to raise Lucas close to my parents and ultimately in the town we grew up in. Brian and I had discussed a five-year plan, which meant we’d be back in Danvers before Lucas went to kindergarten but that plan was fast tracked and the decision was made to sell the house as soon as possible. In less than a week after putting it on the market we had an accepted signed offer and we officially closed on December 27^th. In the meantime, Brian too realized that going back to work at Enterprise at Logan was out of the question. The hours he was putting in left very little time for our family and he didn’t want to miss a thing when it came to Lucas. So, he started looking and like me the perfect opportunity arose and on December 9^th he too started a new job that he loves! He travels now every other week which is a new type of adjustment for our family but one that amazingly enough works very well for our current situation. We are living with my parents until our perfect house is either built or comes on the market. So when Brian travels I have the extra hands to help with the baby when/if I need it and I’m not alone when he’s gone – it’s the best of both worlds!

Looking back over this past year I am amazed at everything we’ve been blessed with. We are so lucky to have the life we do and I don’t for even one second take it for granted. I have an awesome husband, a son I can’t imagine life without, family that supports us and incredible friends that make every day worth having. I would live this year over in a heartbeat if I could, and as amazing as 2013 was, I am looking forward to what 2014 will bring us! We start our next chapter tomorrow – I hope you’ll keep reading!

Wishing you all a blessed and magical 2014!

True Strength of a Fit Mom

When I started competing three years ago I met Jacqueline Zediker, a woman that after spending just a few hours with I knew would be in my life forever. She was a new figure pro and had just started competing a year prior herself. We immediately hit it off and despite the fact that she lives a plane ride away in Indiana we have forged a friendship that I could have only wished for when I was younger. We have very similar personalities and our morals and beliefs are practically identical. For the last three years we have supported each other through our competition preps, job changes, relationship highs and lows, new homes, puppy adoptions, pregnancy – you name it we’ve been there for each other. And I’m so grateful to have her.

So, when she came to me a week ago and asked a favor how I could I say no? She and her friend and Optimum Nutrition teammate, Rachael Ponder, had recently started a Facebook page called True Strength of a Fit Mom. They had presented the idea to ON as something they’d like to do in connection with them and came to an agreement that they’d start it out and ON would see where it went before fully backing the idea. Jacqueline asked me to be the first “Fit Mom Motivator” for the page and sent me a questionnaire to fill out. As soon as I read the questions and looked more in depth at the Facebook page I knew it was something I wanted, no needed, to be a bigger part of. It was exactly what I had been hoping my own blog would accomplish – creating a movement of Fit Moms, showing women that it is possible to be a mother and still maintain a healthy lifestyle. I went back to Jaque with my desire to become more involved. After speaking with Rachel, they decdied they wanted me to come on board not only as the first Fit Mom Motivator but also as VIP Blogger and Contributor! I was (and still am) so honored to have this opportunity. There is nothing I love more than the idea of marrying my two loves – being a mom and being in shape!

Since this discussion we have gone back and forth with a million ideas of what we want to do with the page and how we want to it to grow. The idea pool is overflowing and we are so excited to start reaching the masses. The page/site doesn’t officially go live until January 2014 but we are already spreading the word and getting other moms to fill out their questionnaire.

My first contribution to the page was my tips on “How to Have Balance During the Holidays.” It’s a list of five small things you can do throughout the holidays (and beyond) to maintain a healthy lifestyle but also participate in and enjoy a social life!

I will also be creating some photo albums for the site; initially my weekly bump photos (that you’ve all seen) and then also my progress pictures as I begin my journey back to the stage. Additionally, I will be blogging once a week for the site and replying to questions/comments throughout the page.

Our goal is 21,000 "likes" on our Facebook page in 2014 - in less than a week we are already at 250! I am confident we will surpass 21,000 in no time!

Please take a minute to visit us at True Strength of a Fit Mom and see what we’re all about!

Perception vs. Reality

I made the declaration the other day about my return to the stage in 2014 and my desire to get my post-pregnancy body back. I have been feeling very down lately about what I see in the mirror. Outside of the ginormous breasts that have taken residence on my chest, there is really nothing that I like. I have cut myself a lot of slack up until now, reminding myself the changes aren’t in vain (I mean look at my kid! I’d do it a million times over just to have him!) but it’s been hard. I have cellulite in places I never did before, my once coveted 6-pack has been reduced to a 1-pack, I have back fat if I wear a bra that’s too tight and I swear I’ve added about 2 inches to my hips! Despite what I see and how I feel, my husband has consistently told me that I look amazing and that he loves my new mommy body. He tries very hard to get me to see what he does but I just haven’t been able to. I still refuse to wear any pants with buttons because I’m terrified they won’t fit. All of my pre-pregnancy pants are sitting in my closet collecting dust just waiting to break my heart. I have however, been able to wear 99% of my remaining pre-pregnancy clothing. I’m back in my size 2 & 4 dresses and skirts, I’ve had to upgrade my shirt/sweater size to a M because of my udders and while most women would take this as an accomplishment I still hated my figure.

Then yesterday I ran into a girlfriend of mine at the gym. She introduced me to her workout partner as a “new mom and figure competitor” – I waited for that look, the one that said “yea right, no way she’s a competitor” but instead was met with “HOLY CRAP! How old is your baby?” And when I told her L is only 3 months she was dumbfounded. She said she would never have known I just had a baby. That I look amazing and should be proud of the retained muscle tone (no matter how small)! Even though my husband and my friends have been saying these things to me for weeks hearing it from a complete stranger was a definite confidence booster! After I completed my workout I went and stood in front of the mirror in the locker room. I tried to see what she saw and just couldn’t do it. Regardless I took two pictures of myself, one from the front and one from the side. I told you guys I was going to be honest with my progress and keep you up to date so that’s what I was doing. After I’d packed my bag I decided to look at the photos and couldn’t believe what I saw. In all honesty I was shocked that it was me. What I saw in the mirror and what that picture showed were two entirely different people. I saw a frumpy, flabby, toneless, tired woman and the picture showed a tight, toned, athletic body. While it may sound conceited, I am PROUD of that picture! I know I still have a LONG way to go before I can even think about hitting the stage, I now know that I’m starting at a good place. I don’t have nearly as far to go as I once thought. If I continue to follow my coach’s program I have no doubt at all that June is a very feasible goal!

I can’t wait to see what changes come over the next 6 months in both my mind and body. I am anxious for the end result, but like my pregnancy I am going to try and enjoy every step of the progress. You can’t fully appreciate the end unless you’ve truly lived the journey!

Here I am boys & girls
3 months postpartum!

Starting weight: 137
Stage weight: 119
Pounds to go: 18

 

Operation Figure Stage Comeback!

Today is the official start of “Operation Figure Stage Comeback!"

I have allowed myself 12 weeks of rest and it’s been wonderful. I haven’t worried about what I was eating or stressed about not getting in a work out and yet I’ve managed to lose all but 3 pounds of my pregnancy weight gain. It’s been a truly fantastic experience! But now that we are in a routine of daycare and work, I feel like it’s time for mommy to refocus. A happy mommy makes for a happy baby!

As you know, prior to becoming pregnant I was a competitive figure athlete. My last competition was in October of 2011 where I placed 9^th out of 10. Coming off a winning show in July of that year I was very disheartened. I had gotten so wrapped up in the idea of winning that I had lost focus of why I compete in the first place. It isn’t all about winning. It’s about challenging myself and pushing my body to its limits! I loved the way I felt after a really solid workout; every time I hit a new personal record on an exercise I would feel a sense of accomplishment. However, after that show in October I became bitter and resentful toward the sport. Here I had just spent 12 months of my life working up to that show, busting my butt every day, altering my social life to fit in my macros and missing out on events because of workouts and practice only to place second to last in my class. I can’t even tell you how many days I cried for or how many pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream I consoled myself in. It took me a good 6 months before I was really able to swallow what had happened. I looked back at pictures and video (yes it’s out there somewhere) of the show and realized I wasn’t on point. I was holding water in my lower half, my posing was way off and ultimately I just wasn’t ready for that day. Once I accepted this I was finally able to move on. I committed to taking 2012 off as a competitor and to use that time to rebuild but remained active within my “fit fam”… I attended posing practices and shows; I supported my teammates in their prep and backstage and celebrated in their wins. It truly reaffirmed my love for the sport. When I decided in June that I was ready to prep for the INBF Monster Mash in November 2012 my coach was thrilled. We immediately started talking strategy and plans, but just a few short months in I found out I was pregnant for the first time. And I won’t lie, while I was extremely happy to be pregnant, I felt a slight twinge of sadness at knowing an entire season was going to pass by without me stepping on stage. After my miscarriage and surgery and before getting pregnant with L, I decided the best thing for me mentally would be to take the 2013 season off as well. I knew I wasn’t going to be in the right frame of mind to diet down and having just had surgery I was told I couldn’t workout for at least 6 weeks at the intensity I had been.

So for the last 12 months I have been focusing on me, my family and being the happiest I’ve ever been. I continued to support my team and keep my connection with the sport alive. I attended multiple shows and watched as some of my closest friends reach their ultimate goal of winning their pro-cards and landing sponsorships! With every accomplishment my heart swelled. I realized that was what it meant to be a true competitor. To love every aspect of the sport, whether you’re on stage yourself or just cheering on friends from the audience! On November 9^th I took Lucas to his first bodybuilding show – the WNBF World Championships in Worcester, MA. It was so great to be with my entire team, including my two coaches and their families, taking pictures and screaming names and numbers. As I sat there with one of my teammates’ husbands I felt the itch. I wanted nothing more than to run backstage, throw on a suit and my shoes and strut myself across that stage. Luckily for everyone I swallowed the urge – what a horror show that would have been! But I knew at that moment, I was ready. I was ready to recommit to this sport as a competitor, to train with a goal in mind, to throw out the “junk” and clean up my eating and to love every minute of it. I vowed to myself that this time would be different; there would be no complaints, no whining and no self-loathing. If I wanted to do this it was going to be with my head in the right place.

I leaned on my teammates for support in my decision. I knew it was going to be hard to do with Lucas needing me so much and working full time but I also know if I can organize my life then it’s all doable. I had a long heart-to-heart with my coach; we talked about dietary needs since I’m going to continue to breastfeed and also my workout schedule being consolidated to three days rather than 5. He assured me that it was doable. Our agreement at this point is that he will make the ultimate decision. If, come 16 weeks out (February 15^th) from the INBF Northeast Classic on June 7^th 2014, he thinks I can be ready then I’ll officially start prep … if he thinks I need more time then we’ll continue “off-season” diet and workouts with a plan for me to compete at the Monster Mash in November. Either way, here and now, I am putting it out in the universe … you WILL see me on stage for the 2014 bodybuilding season!

I know it’s going to be an interesting road, my body is changed forever and more than likely won’t respond to the same sort of training/diet it used to and I’m ready for that. I’m ready to see what this new me can do and what changes I can make in the next 6 months! Get ready because I’m coming!

I’ll be documenting my journey here along with the other aspects of my life – mainly Lucas – but I am hoping to show other moms out there that even with limited time you too can get the body you want!

Stay tuned!

And the Battle Continues

Last week I wrote about my struggle with the pumping process and how to fit it into my daily life. Since then I’ve put myself on a very regimented schedule where I am pumping every three hours regardless of whether I’m at work or not. My pump goes everywhere with me!

The battle this week has not been fitting in my pumping sessions, but how much I’m producing each pump. I have watched for the last seven days as my supply has decreased fairly significantly. As I mentioned last week, L is now drinking 5oz bottles every 3.5 hours, so I truly need to be pumping a minimum of 25oz a day to meet his needs and continue to stash one bottle a day. Unfortunately this has become an almost impossible task. My morning pumps that used to yield anywhere from 8-10oz are now just barely hitting 6oz and those afternoon sessions are topping out at 2oz. I keep trying to remind myself that “every ounce counts,” but when those ounces don’t even add up to one full bottle it truly feels like a waste of time. I have found myself questioning whether I should either a) just give up or b) start supplementing formula in his daycare bottles … neither of which I truly want to do at this point.

L is only 12 weeks old tomorrow and in my heart I’m not quite ready to give up, but what more can I do? Well, let me tell you! If you ask the right people, the right questions you will be amazed at what you find out!

I recently joined a pumping support group on Facebook and it has been wonderful. It’s nice to know I’m not the only mommy out there going through these struggles. I mean I know I’m not but to be able to actually talk to other women that are is comforting. At first I was just a lurker, not participating in the discussion, just reading about others experiences and the types of things they did to get through it. I couldn’t believe the success some of them had with pumping – one woman has 1500oz in her freezer! Yes you read that correctly, one thousand five hundred ounces!! To say I’m jealous is an understatement. The difference is however, many of these women pump around the clock. They are waking two and three times a night to pump. I can’t make that commitment, and perhaps those makes me lazy or a bad mother, but remember I am getting up two and three times a night to breastfeed so adding in another 15-20 minutes of pumping on top of that would result in me never sleeping!

After being on the board for a few days I decided to post my first question. I asked the ladies two things: what is and how to know when you’re having a ‘let-down’ and how to increase my supply. The answers varied but a ‘let-down’ is basically when your boobies tell you “hey it’s time to express this milk” (http://www.breastmilkcounts.com/let-down-reflex.php). It was a sensation I’d felt many times but wasn’t sure what it was. Now I am able to listen to my body and know when it’s time to pump. Amazingly, I typically feel a ‘let-down’ coming on every 3.5 hours, right when the nugget should be eating!

The second question solicited so many different and varied responses. Water was of course the number one answer – basically drown yourself in water every day. The second most popular answer was oatmeal. I’ve already adopted both of these into my routine so I began looking at alternative answers.

After reading through what the women suggested and doing some back research of my own I have chosen to try the following:

1)  Fenugreek: The capsules I purchased are 610mg per and according to the label should be taken 2-3 times daily. This aligned with the women as they all said you need to take about 2,000mg a day to see a change.

2)  Mother’s Milk Tea: I have never been a tea drinker and after hearing what the ladies said about this particular kind I’m sure I’ll never be a tea drinker after either. According to what they all said this tea is “gross” and they have to chug it just to finish it. But many of them said they saw a significant increase in their supply.

3)  Lactation Cookies: What woman doesn’t love a good cookie? From the looks of the recipe it is basically an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie made with flaxseed & Brewer’s Yeast. I haven’t made them yet, but they are on the docket for this weekend.

 

For the next week I am going to document the exact amounts and times of my pumping sessions to see if there is any impact on my supply. If at the end of the week I do not see a noticeable change I will have to readdress my plans for future pumping/breastfeeding.  I do not even want to think about supplementing until L is at least 6 months old so I am praying that this works!

Keep your fingers crossed for me and in the meantime…

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Oh the Pump...

There are countless variables when you find out you’re pregnant beginning with your due date, to your child’s gender, to the kind of parent you hope to be. One thing I always knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was that I was going to breastfeed my child (God willing). Now, before I continue let me just say, I have absolutely nothing against mothers that don’t breastfeed, sometimes it’s just not an option for one reason or another.

Brian and I have joked many times about me breastfeeding because “why spend money when the milk is free?” but the truth is I wanted to breastfeed because I truly feel that it is the best thing for Lucas. The American Association of Pediatrics has done countless studies of the effects of breast milk in infants and their mothers which only further solidified my desire to breastfeed. Knowing that I am supplying my son with the perfect nutritionally balance ddiet is something that is so important to me. It’s a mix of everything his little body needs to grow strong and healthy and has all the antibodies from me to help fight infections and sickness. It’s formulated for him so it just wasn’t an option for me to use formula.  But all joking aside, the price of formula adds up quickly and with the rising costs of just about everything else in our world, it’s nice not having that added burden on my wallet!

Just before Lucas was born I was reading my friend Mandy’s blog about her struggle with breastfeeding. Her blog is about as honest as they come, and after reading what she went through I was nervous that perhaps I’d have the same experience. While she ultimately wanted to breastfeed, she just knew it wasn’t going to be possible for her and as devastated as she was she has taken it all in stride. I admire her strength!  

Luckily from the moment L was born, we’ve had a very easy go of it. He immediately latched correctly, luckily for me since not one nurse offered to help me out, and ate like a champ! Since then we’ve only gotten better at it. I no longer need the Boppy and in fact am able to walk around while breastfeeding! Lucas can find his way to me in the pitch dark (which helps with the 3am feedings) and he is able to eat without hurting me – yet! I have yet to master feeding him in public however, but I think that’s more due to my insecurities about how people still view public breastfeeding. In the beginning we were averaging a feeding every 1.5 hours and it would last no longer than 3-4 minutes. I made, and continue to make, a conscious effort to feed from both sides each time which for me is more about comfort than anything else. Now that Lucas is 10 weeks old we are averaging a feeding every 3-3.5 hours that last more than 15 minutes. My little man truly loves to eat!

During the first six weeks of my maternity leave I breastfed him exclusively. I was unable to order my breast pump until 5 days after L was born, and then it took almost two weeks to receive it. When it arrived I have to admit I was terrified of it. I had heard so many stories of the pain it causes, especially if you are pumping and breastfeeding at the same time. I also began to get anxiety about pumping when I returned to work. In speaking with friends of mine that pumped I began panicking when I realized I didn’t have a “stash” ready in the freezer for him. What if I wasn’t able to get that much each session and needed extra? One of my friends told me she went back to work with TWO WEEKS worth of frozen breast milk … at 4oz every 3 hours for two weeks she would need to have 448oz stashed away! Are you freaking kidding me? Knowing I only had three weeks left of my maternity leave I knew I had to start pumping ASAP.

I definitely struggled in the beginning with the pump. There were times that I would cry and want to break the machine. Not because it hurt but because I wasn’t getting ANYTHING out of it – I was lucky if I was getting an ounce from each side. At that rate I knew I’d never have enough to send with him to daycare. I reached out to the two people I trust the most when I have questions about these sorts of things – my sister and my friend Jami. They both said many of the same things – water, water, water and lots of protein. They both also said they found eating oatmeal helped maintain their supply. I immediately went out and bought a BPA free Contigo and stocked up on oatmeal. I’ve always been a big protein eater from my bodybuilding days so that wasn’t a struggle. I almost instantly saw an increase in my supply. Sarah also mentioned that I should pump before I fed Lucas instead of after. She said she did that with C and it was easier to let him take longer to eat than it was to pump endlessly after he emptied her out!

After talking to them I began pumping in the morning before his 8am feeding and again at night before his 8pm feeding, but was only getting about 3-4oz total each time. Meaning I was stashing two bottles a day if I was lucky. But there were times when I would only get 2oz and other times when I would get 6oz. It’s definitely frustrating. By the time I went back to work I had one week’s worth of daycare bottles frozen for a total of fifteen 4oz bags. I figured he’d have three bottles a day at daycare and then I would breastfeed at night. I felt comfortable with that amount as back up. I also knew that when I went back to work, I’d be pumping at least two times during the day and was aiming for three so whatever I pumped would replace his bottles at daycare the next day so hopefully I wouldn’t have to touch my stash too often.

The last week of my maternity leave I struggled the most with my supply. I just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t getting enough even though I was drinking tons of water and eating a balanced diet full of protein. It was disheartening. Poor Brian got the brunt of it. I would get so upset and feel like I was failing as a mother. I would take it out on him and it wasn’t fair – he had nothing to do with it. Anyone that has tried to pump can tell you it’s not easy. Eventually I started doing some research of my own. I read about the different sorts of pumps, the type of diet I should be eating, the times of day I should be pumping to get the most out of it and the one thing that kept coming up was the actual pump itself. The kind of pump you have can definitely impact your experience. Per Obamacare most insurance companies will supply you a breast-pump for free, the brand depends on your insurance. Unfortunately for me my insurance only allowed me to get an Ameda Purely Yours. From the beginning it was awful, I could only pump from one side at a time (doubling the length of time it took to pump) because it wasn’t powerful enough to do both. And even then I needed to put it on max suction (ouch) to make it work. It didn’t come with any kind of carrying bag and the flanges were too big for me. All of that added up to a really difficult start to my pumping experience. I reached out once again to some of my mommy friends and family asking which pumps they had and what their experience had been. Time and time again the responses were “MedelaPump in Style” and “FANTASTIC” … When I talked to my cousin and told her of my struggles she mentioned that she had a spare Medela that I could borrow if I wanted! I practically cried at the offer. I immediately accepted and can’t even begin to describe the difference it made. Since then my experience has been dramatically different. It takes me 15 minutes max to pump, I can use the mid-suction setting and the flanges are a perfect fit. It has literally changed my attitude about it. As much as pumping is still time consuming and can be frustrating having a pump that works makes it all worth it.

I started a new job on November 4^th and because of that it’s a challenge to get in three sessions a day. My job is very demanding (which is great) so I’m lucky if I can sneak out twice. Although for the last week, I’ve been pumping on my lunch break too so that’s been helpful. In the mornings I average about 8-10oz per session and the afternoon I’m typically getting about 4-6oz. L’s pediatrician told me yesterday that she’d like to see him eating 5oz every 3.5 hours now, so I realistically need to be pumping 15-20oz per day to keep up with his daycare needs. Luckily I work in a very supportive environment! If you add up the time it takes to set up the pump, the actual session and then clean up, it is about 30 minutes for each 15 minutes pump, broken down over the three sessions I’m looking at an hour and a half away from my desk each day. I’ve had to compensate by eating lunch at my computer so I’m not away for too long. If I didn’t have an understanding boss, I could see where it might be difficult to continue pumping.

What’s funny is, over the last three weeks I have become very creative in my pumping sessions – I have literally pumped just about everywhere… at home, at the office, my mother’s house, many a public bathrooms, in the car and most recently I’ve learned the art of pumping while driving! Thank god for the hands-free pumping bra and the V9 car attachment (thank you once again Sarah & Jami)! They really do think of everything! J

I have set an ultimate goal of breastfeeding for one year. But within that am setting smaller goals – the first was to get through maternity leave (check), then to three months (almost check), then we’ll aim for six months, then nine, then a year – hopefully all will go according to plan, but if it doesn’t I’m comforted in knowing that with each passing day that he’s eating breast-milk exclusively I’m doing what is best for my son.

My Poor Baby

As a mother there is nothing harder than seeing your child in pain. Wishing you could take it away or be the one to endure it, but knowing you can’t is probably one of the most difficult things to navigate.

When I was 38  weeks pregnant, I took a tumble down some stairs and ended up needing “trauma monitoring” to ensure that all was still well with Lucas. Luckily things were still on track and there was no trauma to the placenta or the baby. During the exam however, the technician noticed that Lucas’ left kidney was enlarged. Through further review by the doctor they determined that Lucas had hydronephrosis. The doctor assured me that while it was considered to be a severe case,  it wasn’t anything to be worried about, but that Lucas would require an ultrasound at two weeks to see if there was any change.

When his follow up appointment showed that he did in fact still have a severe case, we were scheduled for testing at Children’s Hospital on October 3^rd. This first round of testing was so the doctor could monitor the flow of his urine through his kidneys. When we arrived we headed into radiology for the test. The room was cold and dark with a huge CT scanning machine. The nurse came in and explained the procedure to us. Lucas was then put into a johnny and laid on the table. The nursing assistant held him down while the doctor inserted a catheter. I couldn’t help but sob as I watched my baby squirm and  cry in discomfort. There was nothing I could do. For the next hour I held his hands and whispered in his ear that everything would be okay. No matter how upset or scared I was, I needed to reassure my son that all was ok.

After the test was over we met with Dr. Diamond, Lucas’ urologist who informed us that while the urine was traveling through his kidney there appeared to be a blockage somewhere along the way. He told us that in most cases these early blockages work themselves out in time with the growth of the baby. Hydronephrosis is much more common in little boys as their penis can become kinked in uetero causing a blockage, additionally he told us it could very well be that he just has a “baggy” kidney and the urine was getting stuck in the folds. In both cases he would be fine. He went on to tell us that there could potentially be a large problem, if the blockage was severe enough, if there was urine reflux back into the kidney or if he was losing functionality. Given that Lucas was just a month old the doctor wanted to give it another four weeks to see if any growth would help resolve the problem. We were given a prescription for amoxicillin to prevent any sort of infection while we waited for our next follow up.

On November 1^st we went back to Children’s Hospital for more extensive testing. The first test they performed on him was called a MAG3 test. The inserted a radioactive isotope into his blood stream through an IV. Watching the nurse try to find a vein on my son’s tiny little hands was heartbreaking. I couldn’t even watch when she finally found one and inserted the needle. The isotope can be seen on a neuclear reading machine. During this fifteen minute portion they watch the flow of the isotope to determine where the blockage is and how severe it might be. The results of this determine whether or not his case warrants further testing. We were assure by the nurse that roughly 95% of these tests come back requiring more information. Sure enough Lucas needed the next portion. For the next 45 minutes a substance known as Lasix travels through his system to his kidneys and basically causes them to contract and force out any remaining urine. How long it takes for this process to complete shows how severe his case truly is. When this process was complete we were once again sent to meet with Dr. Diamond to hear his results.

Dr. Diamond told us we had good news and bad news. The good news being that so far Lucas’ kidneys are functioning right near the 50/50 split they are supposed to. His right kidney has 54% functionality and his left has 46% so at this point there is no worry about kidney failure. The bad news is the ideal amount of time for a kidney to empty on Lasix is between 5-10 minutes. Anything over 15 minutes is considered abnormal and anything over 20 is serious. It took Lucas’ kidney 38 minutes to empty. Given that result Dr. Diamond told us that more than likely he will need surgery to remove whatever is causing the blockage. Because he is so little the rest of his organs haven’t matured to where they should be to safely receive anesthesia we need to wait another 6 months. During that time Lucas will continue to be on an antibiotic. At the end of the six months, in May, we will go back to Children’s again and re-do the MAG3 and Lasix testing. If, at that time the results are the same, or God forbid worse; or he’s lost more than 10% of his kidney function we will need to schedule him for surgery. While there is still a chance he could outgrow it, Dr. Diamond did not seem hopeful that would be the case. Brian asked him how serious of a surgery it is and we were told that it’s a “pretty significant” surgery and that it would require an incision (no lapriscopic option) and a fairly lengthy recovery. The last thing any mother wants to hear or think about is her baby needing surgery.

While these visits and tests were traumatic to me (I know to some that may seem over the top) I know Lucas will never remember them. I also know it could be worse. I can’t tell you how many families we saw that day with their far sicker children. I thank my lucky stars that this is all we are dealing with. Over the next six months we have been instructed to keep our eye on him, to watch for any signs of pain to the stomach when touched, a fever over 100.4 and/or any other “unusual” activity. So far, our little guy has been his happy, silly self and we couldn’t ask for any more!!

How has it been 10 years?

On a day like this 10 years ago you could easily find me holed up in my bedroom at my grandmother’s house staring out the window at the swing in the backyard. I could stare at that swing forever. To an outsider it wasn’t anything spectacular – in fact it was just two heavy duty chains attached by eye hooks to a couple two by fours that had been nailed or glued or screwed together  and spray painted John Deere green (his favorite color after gold). But to us that swing was everything. It was anchored between two huge pine trees smack in the middle of the yard. You could swing as high and as fast as you wanted on that swing, and that’s just what we did. That swing represented every weekend of our childhoods, pumping and pushing each other higher and higher as he stood there laughing and watching. There was a patch of dirt beneath that swing that developed a divot that just got deeper and deeper with each passing  year. My sisters and I would sit on that swing and spin in circles until the chains were as tight as they could go, then we’d pick up our feet and squeal as the chains unfurled.

But on that day as I stared out the window I knew the magic of that swing was gone. He had taken it with him and we’d never be able to find it again. He had been our hero, our friend, one of the greatest men I’ve ever known … he was our Buppa. And he was just gone. How were we supposed to wake up in that house every morning without seeing his face or hearing him shuffle through the kitchen on his way to the microwave? How could we be expected to play in the basement knowing he wasn’t in his office or his workshop puttering away? How would we ever be able to use that swing again without missing him? The answers were years in the making – even now five years after my grandmother has sold that house I find myself wishing for those weekends back, if only just to hear his voice one more time.

When Buppa was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease I had only heard of it in passing. At the time I didn’t understand exactly what was going to happen to him and to us. My parents explained that Bup would slowly lose his memory and eventually we would lose him. Back then they called it the five year disease – but our Buppa lived another 10! He was always stubborn that way. Tell him he couldn’t do something and he’d prove you wrong. After he’d been diagnosed our family continued to live our lives the way we always had, we went skiing and golfing and spent summers in New Hampshire. We celebrated birthdays and holidays and traveled as a family. Buppa knew what was happening to him, he began to leave himself notes around the house reminding him to take his glasses and wallet when he left and he drew himself a map for the steering wheel of his car so he knew how to get to the corner store and back. It wasn’t until the weekend that he got lost that we realized things were a lot further along than we’d thought. He had gone to the store to pick up some milk and when he didn’t return my mother began to panic. My father went out to drive the neighborhood to see if he could find Buppa but when that turned up nothing we called the police. Eventually Buppa found his way home to us, but it was then that we knew his days of driving – and ultimately independence were over. And for him, being the man he was, this might as well have been a death sentence.

Slowly but surely over the next few years we watched as the man we once knew disappeared from us in every way imaginable. He could no longer ski or build intricate projects in his workshop. His golf game suffered and his hands began to shake. He was easily frustrated and often angry when he couldn’t remember the littlest detail. But despite it all he loved us and we him. He was truly a man that could never be replaced.

So when the call came in late October of 2003 that “he didn’t have much longer” I dropped everything to be there. I was living in Vermont at the time attending UVM and was in the midst of mid-terms. I jumped in my car and drove straight through – breaking speed limits as I drove down 89 through Vermont onto 95 in Massachusetts and then 84 into Connecticut – over 6 hours without stopping just to be by his side.

When I arrived, my entire family had descended on my grandmother’s home. Buppa was in a hospital bed in the sunroom surrounded by his five children. My mother and her two brothers were, in reality, his step-children, but to him there was no distinction – they were his in every sense of the word. They held hands and cried, told stories of his life and when he would open those deep, knowing eyes they’d smile and he’d smile right back. There were so many of us there, I can’t even remember how many – we took turns sitting by his bedside, remembering the man he was to us. We each had our private moments with him to tell him how much we loved him and be able to say goodbye.

I remember when it was my turn, I sat staring at the face of a man who God had put into our lives as our cornerstone. He was in essence our anchor – keeping our crazy blended family together. I wondered what life was going to be like once he was gone, I thought about the fact that he’d never see me graduate from college, get married or start my own family. I reached out and took his wrinkled hand in mine and when I did he opened his eyes. As tears streamed down my face I told him I loved him. He looked back at me, smiled and said “I love you too”… those words had never meant so much.

Just a few hours later we all gathered around his bed and held hands one last time. My uncle said a prayer for Buppa and for us. And as we stood there together God called him home. He took one final breath and he left us. In that moment we knew we would never be the same.

 

Now, ten years later as we celebrate his life I realize that statement is more true than I could ever have imagined. In the years since his death our blended family has gone our separate ways. We no longer see my mother’s step-brothers, and while we stay in contact with their children our holidays are no longer spent together and those ski trips and summers in New Hampshire have long since ceased. I have graduated from college, married an amazing man and just gave birth to my first child. All the things I knew he would miss. In my heart I know he’d be proud of my degree, he’d love my husband and Lucas would be the light of his life. But despite knowing these things, there isn’t a day that goes by that I wouldn’t give anything to have him here for just one more minute. I want him to SEE the woman I’ve become and I want to hear his voice just once say he’s proud of me. I think for the rest of my life I’ll miss him. Whether it’s  the sound of his feet shuffling down the hall, the way he taught me how to ski “correctly”, or the way he’d dance the Charleston… my life wouldn’t be what it is had he never been a part of it so for that I’m grateful.

I’ll see him again someday; that I know but until then … Rest Easy Bup! We love you more than you’ll ever know!

 

July 7, 1917 - November 1, 2003

 

Hometown Tradegy

Growing up I lived in "the bubble" - at least that's how everyone referred to our town. It's a quiet little place 20 minutes north of Boston with a population of 26,000 people - all who seemingly know each other. The high school band has won many accolades over the years, our sports teams are very successful and many of our students go on to do amazing things with organizations that benefit the greater good. Not only do a lot of the town's children return after college but there are a handfull of them that have gone on to become teachers within the town.

When I was young I took for granted the laid back quality of my hometown, and refused to end up "a townie." I guess I thought that if I returned to Danvers in my adult life that I would somehow miss out on something, that I would be succumbing to "the bubble." However, after Brian and I got married my view changed. Suddenly my hometown became the only place I wanted to be. Unfortunately for us, as the years past so did the popularity of living in our quaint little town and home prices skyrocketed. So ultimately when we were ready to buy a home we were unable to do so in the one place we truly wanted to raise our family. Although we've since bought a home elsewhere we are always keeping our eye on the market for our opportuty to return, there is nowhere I'd rather Lucas grow up. My mother is a teacher at one of the elementary schools and Brian's parents own a very popular flower shop downtown - Danvers really is where our hearts are.

So it was heartbreaking to wake up this morning and hear of the tragedy that unfolded over night. What started off as a missing child case turned into a homicide investigation. The details have yet to be released but what we do know so far is that sometime last evening a fourteen year old student at our high school murdered a twenty-four year old math teacher. He was found wandering down route one in Topsfield and her body was found in the woods behind the school. 

Her name was Colleen Ritzer and she was very well liked within the community. She herself was local, having grown up in Andover and attended Salem State University before beginning her career at Danvers High.

Just like the marathon bombings this is something that I would have NEVER thought would happen in my hometown. It's something that happens far away from "the bubble," so far away that it can't touch us. But this time it did happen here and it rocked our town like nothing has before.

My heart goes out to the Ritzer family and all those who knew and loved Colleen. I can't even fathom the loss they are feeling. Hopefully they can find some peace knowing that the person responsible has been caught.

It's just another horrible reminder to never take anything for granted, to hold your babies tighter than ever and to appreciate every day you have because you never know when it could be your last.

Two Weeks Left

As I sit here writing this entry, Lucas is happily chirping away in his bouncy seat at my feet. Hearing his little voice makes my heart so happy - it's a sound like nothing else. Sadly, for me, these mornings are fleeting - I go back to work in two weeks. I can not believe how fast the time has flown by, the fact that my little man is already six weeks old and that our time together is fading. 

This brings me to another thought - how completely unreasonable it is for companies to think that an 8 week maternity leave is nearly long enough especially given that many daycare centers will not take a baby younger than 8 weeks.  When we first found out I was pregnant I had just started a new job in Boston. Working for a large company I was lucky to even get the eight weeks that I did. Many companies require 12 months before they will give you any paid time so for that I can't complain. However, if I'd been there just three more months I would have been able to take 16 weeks! 

I have a dear friend who has been living in Scotland for the last three years. She became pregnant during her time there and gave birth to a beautiful little boy. And... her maternity leave was 9 MONTHS -- PAID!!! Yes, I am aware that this is due in part to the way in which their government is designed and the taxes that they pay, but it still doesn't negate the fact that she was able to be home with her son for almost the entire first year of his life! 

As my due date got closer, Brian and I contemplated seriously whether I would need to go back to work after the baby was born. While we'd be able to manage financially if I chose to stay home full-time, we have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and we don't want Lucas to be denied anything in his life. I began looking for part time positions thinking that would be a good compromise between going back full time and not at all. Unfortunately, while there were lots of jobs out there, none of them truly interested me and for the amount I'd be getting paid it just didn't seem worth it. The decision had been made - I would go back full time, at least initially and see how things work out. 

With my return to work date rapidly approaching I find myself even more consumed with my son. Over the last few days he has begun to smile consciously and loves being carried around in the Baby Bjorn. I've started reading to him and despite my inability to carry a tune, I've been singing to him ... He loves "The Wheels on the Bus"! 

We are just trying to enjoy our last few days together which when your child is as perfect as mine is certainly not hard to do! 

October is Miscarriage & SIDS Awareness Month

Before I became a mother when I would see tragic stories of parents outliving their children on the news I would try to put myself in their shoes, to understand what they must be feeling or how they'd get through it. But that was impossible. Unless you know the loss of a child you can never truly understand the kind of never ending pain these parents go through. 

When the Sandy Hook tragedy happened in December of 2012 it was yet another reminder of how precious life is. I found myself watching the news coverage obsessively, sobbing over every picture, name and family. It was impossible for me to turn away. I think part of that had to do with the fact that I had suffered my miscarriage only a few months before. While my loss was dramatically different, I felt a sort of connection with the parents I was seeing on television. For me it was knowing I would never get the chance to hold my twins in my arms, for these parents it was knowing they would never again hold their babies. It's a sense of loss that never goes away but with time becomes a bit easier to bear.

Since becoming pregnant with Lucas, stories like Sandy Hook, the kidnapped women in Cleveland and more recently the loss of Martin Richard in the Boston Marathon Bombing have really hit home. Just the thought of losing Lucas makes me catch my breath. Once I held him in my arms he captured my whole heart in a way nothing else ever has, if I lost him it would be like losing my own heart - I don't think I could survive it. 

It's been a month since Lucas was born and last night I had two very vivid and similar nightmares.  It was the first night in a long time that I can say I remember a dream in such detail - and I wish I could forget! 

In the first I was pregnant again, 27 weeks to be exact. I was counting down the days to my due date and had just gotten to my prenatal appointment. For some reason my doctor decided that instead of just listening to the heartbeat she would do an ultrasound. During the exam she realized that not only had Lucas stopped moving but his heart had stopped beating. After months of bonding with my unborn child I had lost him. I knew that despite the fact that he was already gone I was going to lose him again after delivering him stillborn. I woke up in hysterics. 

This dream shook me to the core - especially after everything we went through last year but luckily for me all I had to do was look next to my bed and see my baby sleeping in his bassinet to know it was just a horrible nightmare. After giving him a kiss on his sweet face I rolled over to go back go sleep...

My second nightmare was in my mind almost worst than the first. This one started with Brian and me welcoming home our precious little baby. For some strange reason Brian didn't sleep in the bedroom that first night so I kept Lucas in bed with me where I could feel his warm little body against mine. The only other part of this nightmare that I remember was being told Lucas was no longer with us - the implication being clear to me. 

When I was FINALLY able to rouse myself from this one my first thought, after wiping the tears from my eyes was Lucas! I turned on the light and reached into his bassinet. There he was right where he was before, sleeping (and breathing) like an angel! Not caring if I woke him up I removed him from his bassinet and held him tight against my chest - I just needed to feel his breath on my face. I spent the rest of the night wide awake just watching him sleep. 

These were two of the most disturbing and unfathomable dreams I've ever had. I never want to go there again. 

It's ironic to me that I would have had these dreams now seeing that October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

According to firstcandle.org every day 13 babies will be lost to SIDS; more than 70 parents will have listened to the silence of their stillborn and countless more will suffer the pain of miscarriage. While these numbers may seem small, for those families who deal with this type of pain they are huge.

While the research is ongoing currently there is no scientific reason for SIDS - barely two decades ago doctors advocated infants sleeping on their stomachs but now they say side sleeping and stomach sleeping should be avoided at all costs. The reasons for why babies are stillborn are extensive, they range anywhere from a genetic reasons to even the umbilical cord being caught around the infant's neck. Similarly doctors can't always pinpoint the reason for miscarriage, it could be as simple to explain as an implantation issue or as in my case an ectopic pregnancy but sadly the results are the same. 

As I spoke about in my entry regarding my experience miscarriage is a silent pain that many women suffer through alone. While SIDS and stillbirth are public knowledge to those around us there is still a level of suffering that the mother goes through alone. 

The goal of First Candle is "to make it possible for every baby to celebrate not only his or her first birthday, but many happy birthdays beyond". If you have ever known a woman who has suffered through this pain or perhaps you have yourself please take a moment and visit their website to see how you can support their efforts through donation or to educate yourself further. No woman should have to go through it alone. 

Please hug your babies a little tighter tonight and remind yourself how blessed you are to have them in your arms. 

xoxoxo