We had a very rough night last night with his sleeping – he woke up at 11pm, 2am, 3am and 4am. By the time I had to get out of bed at 5:30am to get ready for the day I could barely keep my eyes open. When he woke up screaming at 3am there was literally nothing I could do to calm him down. I tried everything – feeding him, rocking him, bouncing him, patting his back…nothing worked. I finally had to put him down and walk away. I had to just let him cry. I paced the living room until my heart stopped racing and I was able to catch my breath. His crying had never affected me that way before, and while I would never do anything to hurt him (intentionally or otherwise) my OB told me from the beginning “there will be times when you just have to walk away”. So that’s what I did. Had Brian been home I would have woken him and made him take L, but he’s traveling this week so we were on our own. I was probably only gone for a minute but when I went back to pick him up he looked at me with his big hazel eyes as if to say “don’t ever leave me again” … in that moment I realized he was just as upset as I was. The poor baby can’t vocalize what’s wrong – all he knows how to do is cry. We spent the next two hours snuggled up together under the blanket – me whispering to him that everything was okay, and him cooing away telling me he agreed.
When I dropped him off at daycare this morning I immediately got a knot in the pit of my stomach. I cried when I got in the car and the whole way to work I just felt “off”. I tried to distract myself with the TON of work I had to do but could barely concentrate. I watched my Fligagram video on repeat while I pumped just so I could see his little face. I tried to ignore the feeling but I just couldn’t shake it. I texted our daycare provider just to check in on him and she said he was fine. While in my heart I knew he was I needed to see for myself. So I did something I swore I’d never do – I went to see him at school. I took my lunch break and just went to his classroom and held him. I looked into his eyes and listened to him laugh and felt his breathing against my neck. For a moment I felt peace. He was happy and okay, just like I knew he would be. But as I stood there and explained to his teacher what I was feeling I couldn’t help but tear up again. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I was feeling that way. Eventually I had to leave him to go back to work. But as soon as I got in the car all I wanted to do was run back in and whisk him away with me.
As I drove back to my office I raked my brain trying like hell to figure out what was going on. I just finished my cycle, there’s no way I’m pregnant and I’m certainly not having late onset PPD but something was up. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made that I just don’t want to be away from him today. We’ve been together every day for the last five and a half days because of the weather and the holiday so that must be it. As soon as I recognized that feeling I started to be able to breath a little better. As I write this, I do still have an unsettled feeling but I think it has more to do with Brian traveling than anything. Because if something were to happen he wouldn’t be here, couple that with me obsessively thinking about something being wrong and it makes total sense I still feel off. I’m extremely anxious to get out of work this afternoon and go pick him back up. I just want to hold him in my arms all night – I don’t care how many doctors / parents will tell me that’s the wrong thing to do – I just need to have him with me.
It still amazes me how much I love my son. My heart literally aches when I think something might be wrong and I don’t for even one second want him to be sad or in pain. I know how much he needs me and it’s my job to be there for him in every way I can. But in this case, I’m the one that needs him.
Planning to spend my entire evening doing nothing but holding him. I swear baby snuggles are the cure for everything!
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