HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY CHARLIE!!!

One year ago today my family grew by one. Little Charlie Joseph was born at 9:37pm, weighing 7 pounds and was 20 inches long! In an instant I became an aunt for the first time and my sister became a mother!

Over the last twelve months we’ve watched as Charlie has changed and grown. He is without a doubt the happiest child I’ve ever seen –he wakes up smiling every day! We joke that he’s a bit “selfish” with his voice because he doesn’t really do a lot of babbling, but I think it’s just because he’s taking it all in. I think one day he’s going to open his mouth and paragraphs will come spilling out.

He’s so smart and funny. He dances whenever he hears music, he’s very curious and loves to explore and play with his toys. And he’s beautiful. I'm not kidding - the kid is perfect!!! He has a full head of gorgeous blond hair (and has since birth), an absolutely perfect porcelain complexion and piercing ice blue eyes that you just can’t help but stare at. My heart grows every time I see him!

We will be celebrating with a small gathering tonight with just the immediate families and then Sunday is the big bash!

He has brought so much light into our lives and it's going to such fun to watch him and Lucas become partners in crime as they get older! What a fun weekend ahead for us!

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY "BABY" CHARLIE!!!

Auntie, Uncle Brian & Little Lucas love you to the moon & back!

An Innocent Child Lost...

Since I got pregnant and gave birth to Lucas friends and family have been sending me article after article to read. Whether it’s about the best new baby gadget, a recall, a funny story I’ve been bombarded. Some I love so much that I share them with others and some I barely skim through. This morning however, I was sent an article that conjured up an image so horribly graphic I had to Google it to make sure it was real.  

It happened five years ago, almost to the day, in Illinois and the State Attorney said it was “the worst case of child neglect we have seen since the turn of this century.”

A five month old little boy, Benjamin Sargent, was found strapped in his car seat that was placed his crib 8 days after he’d been dropped off at his parents’ house by his grandmother. During those 8 days his parents played video games, listened to music and ate pizza while leaving poor little Benjamin alone without care.

When he was found his hands were clenched and his eyes were open. Court transcripts say he died of an infection from sitting in his own feces for days. He weighed just 2 pounds more than his birth weight at the time of his discovery.

I have literally been shaken to the core by this story and can’t get it out of my head. What hit me was the way in which he was found. There have been times when Lucas has woken up in the middle of the night crying and is inconsolable for one reason or another and when I go to him he is screaming with his eyes as wide as can be and his little hand clenched so tight his knuckles are white. Having seen my own son in this position I cannot even begin to image the fear that baby was feeling. Sitting there wondering why mommy and daddy weren’t coming. Feeling the discomfort of his diaper and literally starving to death.

The rage I felt in the pit of my stomach toward those parents was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I’ve talked about this in the past, but now that I’m a mother any and all stories about children being hurt or killed affect me in ways I can’t describe.

This one hit especially close to home because Lucas is just shy of five months and I know how completely dependent on me he is. The mother in this story claimed that she “looked at the baby in the crib and presumed he was sleeping” so she said she “stuck a bottle between the baby and the side of the car seat so that when he woke up, he could grab it and feed himself.” Is this woman for real? What five month old can truly feed himself? Yes, he may reach for the bottle or put his hands on it when he’s being fed, but he is most certainly not picking it up and feeding himself. I find it very hard to believe that this woman thought about her son for even one millisecond during those 8 days.

I am glad to hear that they are being prosecuted to the full extent of the law. After being charged with first degree murder, the State Attorney also said that based on the “brutal and heinous” act that he will be seeking the death penalty as well. Since their arrest and charge, Benjamin’s father has been sentenced to the maximum of 100 years in prison for a “complete and total lack of remorse” in the death of his son, and Benjamin’s mother was sentenced to 50 years after pleading guilty to first degree murder – she will not be eligible for parole. While this in a small way is a victory for advocated of abused and neglected children, it doesn’t bring any closure to the needless death of this little boy.

After reading the initial article and subsequent ones I can only hope that these two rot in hell. I don’t say that freely about anyone but in my mind those who harm innocent children deserve nothing but the worst possible punishment.

I for one know that when I get home tonight I will pick up my little guy, look him in the eye and remind him just how much he is loved.

Please if you ever see or hear of a child in danger report it to your local state and police agencies – all children deserve to be safe from harm.

"Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are" - Benjamin Franklin

 

Benjamin Sarget
08/27/2007 - 02/2008

MassachusettsDepartment of Children and Families

THANK YOU!

I just wanted to say a quick THANK YOU to everyone that has been reading my blog!

What started as a way for me to chronicle my pregnancy (and have a fun look back every now and then) has become something I really enjoy doing. I like sharing my experiences and little glimpses into my life with people. Maybe it's self-centered to think any strangers would care about lil' old me but hey I've been at this now just under 10 months (first post April 11, 2013) and as of today I've had 6,000 "new" views! That means 600 hits every month! That means so much to me!

My goal for 2014 is to continue to share parts of my world with you all but to also start reviewing products and goods that I have purchased and used for my son! We are now going into his fifth month and I am realizing how many things I bought and never even used, or how many things I'm just now purchasing because I didn't think I would need them. As a first time mom, I want to share those experiences with you all!

Additionally, as you may know I am also blogging for True Strength of a Fit Mom which is a site put together by my dear friend and Optimum Nutrition sponsored athlete Jaqueline Zediker. The goal of that site is to educate, support and inspire women to become the "fittest" mom they can be - whether it be physical, spiritual, career wise and so forth! Please check it out and help us spread the word!

So once again, I say thank you to all of you who have read and shared my small part of the Internet universe! I look forward to continuing this journey with you all!

A Boy and His Mom

A friend of mine posted a link on Facebook to an article entitled “17 Things Boys Need from Their Moms” As I read through the list I silently vowed that I would make sure I gave each and every one of these to my son.

It got me thinking back to when we found out we were having a boy. Up until that day I had been convinced we were having a girl. I had dreams about her, pictured her little face, thought about all the clothes and shoes and bows I would buy her so when we arrived at our 18 week appointment I already knew what they were going to say. And then I didn’t! For a brief moment I felt sad, not because I wasn’t thrilled that our child was healthy and growing on schedule, but because all the dreams I’d had went down the drain. But when I saw the smile on my husband’s face my sadness turned to joy. His face lit up at the thought of having a son and immediately my dreams shifted to Tonka Trucks, baseball, jungle-gyms, broken arms… and I suddenly couldn’t wait.

I won’t lie, the thought of being a mother to a boy was a bit scary at first. I’d only ever known girls. Having two sisters and over a dozen girl cousins boys just weren’t on my maternal radar. Luckily for me, two of my very best friends already had sons and assured me that it was the greatest gift they could ever have hoped for. “Girls love their daddies, boys love their mommies” is what I heard over and over. I don’t want my son to grow up a stereotypical “momma’s boy” but I do hope that we’ll be more than mother and son. I want to be his friend, I want him to come to me with anything and everything he needs help with and I want to raise him to understand and respect women. Most of all I want him to feel the immense and unconditional love I have for him.

While my original dreams literally changed in a second, now that I am the mother of a son, I can’t imagine my life any other way. Every time that little guy reaches for my hand or smiles when he sees me, my heart melts all over again and I am certain that this is what I was meant to do. Every day we grow together and we learn more about each other. As the years go on it will be so much fun to watch my son grow into a wonderful little man and ultimately a great man like his father.

I am beyond blessed to have been given the gift of a child, and even more so that that child is a boy.

In the words of Roger Knapp:

I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living,
My baby you’ll be.

The Great House Hunt Begins Again…

My husband and I were married in July of 2008 and purchased our first home together in February 2010. I was just 26 at the time and he 28. We spent the better part of 2009 house hunting, and when I say hunting I mean hunting. We looked at thousands of homes online, attended over 50 open houses and had private showings for at least a dozen. We put offers in on six and after losing out on “our house” five times we finally found the one…or so we thought.

Before we started looking we had made our list of “must have’s” things like a master bathroom, a garage, a finished (or finishable) basement and a big yard. What we ended up with was a home with no master bath, no garage and a fieldstone foundation – we did however get the yard we wanted. We moved in like two giddy school children, painting every surface in the house, buying new furniture and settling into our new life. This was it – we planned on being there at least 5-7 years if not longer… then I got pregnant.

In the early stages of my pregnancy I would say in passing to Brian “I’d like to put the house on the market” and he’d ignore me.Eventually after a month or so of this he finally said “fine…” so I spoke with a Realtor who gave us comparables and what she thought we could sell for. After presenting this information to Brian he said “forget it – we’re staying” and that was the end of that. That was when we developed our five year plan. We’d start saving money so that when Lucas was five and needed to start school we’d be able to purchase a new home in the town I wanted to be in, one with a great school system, close to my family and ultimately the one we grew up in. Fast-forward to the end of my pregnancy and I no longer cared about the five year plan. After spending what felt like hours a day in my car during maternity leave driving the 35 minutes to my hometown I realized I no longer had it in me to wait.

So once again I approached Brian, only this time I was serious. I explained my reasoning behind selling, and what it would mean for our family. After a lot of thought and back and forth Brian once again begrudgingly agreed. I called our Realtor, Kathryn Early (who by the way is AMAZING!), once more, explained our new situation and we were off. Much later Brian told me he never expected the house to sell (certainly not as fast as it did) which is why he agreed initially. After meeting with Katy and going over the numbers again I was blunt with her. I told her we had a bottom line figure that we would sell for and not one penny less. We wanted to sell but we weren’t going to give away our home. Katy listed our house on Monday November 4^th and we had a signed offer to purchase that Saturday. I was shocked. Then came the request to close before the end of the year. That meant we had less than 6 weeks to pack and get out. The reality hit us both like a ton of bricks. Not only had our home sold, but we had NO plans of where we’d go.

We immediately started looking at homes in our new destination, but unfortunately between the lack of inventory and the condition of what was out there purchasing just wasn’t in our cards. We knew we weren’t going to settle this time, those “must have’s” we compromised on the first time we weren’t going without the second. This next home, while most likely not our forever home, is going to be pretty damn close to it so we knew we wanted to take our time. So off to look at apartments we went. After viewing your standard Avalon homes and then a few new construction condos, we knew that from a savings standpoint it made absolutely no sense to live in an apartment for the same cost as our mortgage. Making the choice to live in one of these would mean putting off our home purchase longer than we wanted.

And that’s when my parents stepped in. Roughly 15 years ago my parents redid their basement to accommodate my aging grandparents, they created a living space, a bedroom, a ¾ bath and a kitchenette. At the time of our sale it was occupied by my younger, college-aged sister who luckily for us had moved back on campus that fall. My parents, after discussing it with each other, offered to let us live with them until we found the home we wanted. We all knew it would mean compromise on all our parts and that it would take some adjusting but it was a perfect option. It would allow us to save more money each month than living in any apartment, it would give us the time to really look for something without worrying about breaking a lease when we found our house and we’d be in the town I wanted to be in. Bonus is that when Brian travels (every other week) I’m not alone with the baby. I have my family around me to help me! We moved in with my parents just before Thanksgiving and spent the rest of November and much of December moving. With us both working, the new baby and the holidays it definitely took longer than we’d ever anticipated but by Christmas we were out – just in time too since we closed on our sale December 27^th.

We’ve now been with my parents for almost exactly two months and so far it’s been great. We share meals with them a few times a week, Lucas gets to spend time with his Gigi and Dave between when I get home and when Brian does, I’m surrounded by family when Brian travels and we have our own space. While there have been a few tense moments, as to be expected when you move in with your family, for the most part we’ve been very lucky. I’m hopeful that things won’t change.

Unfortunately for both myself and Brian, sometimes we shy away from the question when people ask where we are living now that we sold the house. Our pride gets in the way and we don’t want to say we are living in my parents’ basement (which essentially we are). It’s hard to go from owning your own home to feeling like your squatting with family (even though we are paying rent!). But we try to take each day as it comes and I think we’re getting past it. I think it’s more our desire to have our own home again and have a place that Lucas can call his own. Every day we are looking online to see what’s out there and every day our dreams grow more. I can’t tell you the number of houses I would buy in heartbeat … and then I see the asking price! I swear some people are NUTS! But having just been on the selling end of things, I totally understand. You know what your house is worth to you, and what you’ve put into it. It’s definitely an emotional concept.

As the snow begins to melt (or in our case pile up) more houses have been coming on the market. Having worked in both residential and commercial lending for the last 6 years I have a good background on the market and the cyclical manner in which it travels. With each house that comes on, there’s one more waiting in the wings. While we don’t have an “eviction” date we’d ideally like to be back in our own home before Lucas’ first birthday. That gives us roughly nine months to find (or even build) the home we want. And if, by some chance, we don’t find it we always have a home with my parents… some people aren’t so lucky.

Here’s hoping 2014 will be as good to us as 2013 and we’ll be homeowners again soon!

Measurement Monday Blues

Yesterday on True Strength of a Fit Mom it was Measurement Monday where Jacqueline, Rachel and I post our post baby progress photos and updates. This was the very first time that I have posted a picture of my bare stomach since well before I got pregnant. Even when I had my maternity photos taken I was never comfortable with the idea of a naked belly picture. Something about it made me feel far to vulnerable and naked. So when I put my picture out there I wasn’t sure what type of reaction/response I was going to get. Now I see my body every day and depending on the lighting it can either look fan-freaking-tastic or I can look like I’ve been rolled in a vat of cottage cheese.

Yup, there it is, I admit it, I have cellulite – and a lot of it. Before getting pregnant I had a very small amount on my thighs and derrière that would appear every once in a while if I wasn’t watching what I was eating or exercising enough. During my pregnancy I began to notice it appearing more prominently in those two places but luckily nowhere else. It didn’t matter how often I walked, elevated my legs, drank water or watched my salt intake, it just kept multiplying and by the time I gave birth there was no denying its presence. Since then I’ve really focused on my nutrition and taking care of my body from the inside out. I was hoping that by doing so I would see a decrease in the obviousness of my cellulite but no such luck. It’s there and it’s not going away. From a scientific standpoint once you have it there is nothing you can do to get rid of it, you can only mask it by building the muscle underneath which then compresses the fat around it. So while I don’t love that it’s there, I have learned (slowly) to accept it.

That being said, I’ve never intentionally put myself out there for the world to see in a bad light (figuratively and literally). I don’t want to be embarrassed or ashamed. I have seen the horrible things people can say on social media even to the most beautiful of women. And who am I? Certainly  I'm not Gisele or Kim Kardashian so bullying me would be even easier no? The lighting where I took my pictures was terrible, harsh and bright, thus accentuating the negative parts of my figure. I could have altered the lights or the filter on my camera but that would have completely defeated the purpose. The goal was to show our followers that it’s okay to not be perfect. For some reason our society loves a pregnant belly but the second that baby is born you must get rid of all signs of pregnancy immediately. It can be a really emotionally difficult place to be.

So when I posted my picture I was scared, would people insult me, say “look at how gross she is?”, “why doesn’t she look better” etc etc. But just the opposite happened. I had plenty of women reach out to me privately saying they only wished they looked that good 4 months postpartum and that I was an inspiration to them. It was a wonderful feeling knowing that other women were struggling too, but found strength in my honesty. I went back and looked at my photos, I reminded myself of why my body looks the way it does. The miracle that it created (and hopefully will again) and how powerful and strong that is. I also reminded myself that I know what I’m physically capable of when it comes to returning to my former self. While my shape will never be exactly what it was before it’s a new one that I am beginning to love.

I know the 130 pounds I am carrying on my frame now is an entirely different 130 pounds than before I got pregnant but it’s also a body I can shape and mold into what I want it to be! I am proud that I was able to post my photos and not run away and hide from it. I am proud of my progress thus far and I can’t wait to see what happens in the weeks to come.

Please follow us on Facebook to see our progress towards our different goals. We will give you a real, honest, raw look into the life of today’s moms and how we juggle and balance our lives!

Thanks for your support in our journey!

A Day in My Life

I had a friend tell me the other day, "you make motherhood look easy!" This was a huge compliment for me because I typical feel like a hot mess just trying to get through the day in one piece! She then went on to ask me how I do it and what my days typically look like so I got to thinking....

Long before Lucas was born, I knew I would be a working mother. While I could have chosen to stay-at-home, our lifestyle would have taken a hit and we very much enjoy the things we have and are able to do. That being said, I also knew it wasn’t going to be easy working a full-time job and caring for a baby. Ask any mother and she’ll tell you that having a child is like having a full-time job in and of itself, so add in 40 hours outside the home and man, it’s an exhausting proposition.

I have been back to work now for exactly two months, and as hard as it is to be away from my beautiful boy every day, I do it happily, knowing that I am contributing financially to our household and providing him with the best life we can. I also know that for me, I need to have the adult interaction and the time apart. That little boy fills my heart with so much love and joy, but I need to be something other than his mother. I need to feel like I am a part of something else. Now, please do not misunderstand, I have plenty of stay-at-home mom friends and I give them so much credit for what they do. It’s not at all what people think, unless you are filthy rich and have a nanny that helps every day, a stay-at-home mom works just as hard, if not harder, than a working mother.

I drop L off at a wonderful daycare center every morning on my way to work putting complete and total trust in them that he will be clean, dry, happy and fed throughout the day. I can then go to work and do my job with 100% focus. After work I am able to pick him up and truly enjoy our time together.

But like I said, it’s not easy. I have plenty of days where I struggle just to get out of bed, depending on how well (or badly) Lucas slept. I have mornings where I can’t get out of my own way and forget something vital (like a nipple for his bottles) at home and have to go all the way back to get it. I started thinking “what does my day truly look like?” And in thinking about it I got kind of a chuckle, I am really living my life in three hour increments. I’m squeezing things in where I can, and trying to balance the rest to the best of my ability. I’m learning to prepare even more ahead of time (sometimes a few days) so my mornings aren’t so crazy and I’m letting go of the small stuff.

What does a Day-in-the-Life look like for me? Well it goes something like this:

3:00am – Nurse & Change Lucas

5:00am – Wake Up; Home Gym Work Out

6:00am – Nurse & Change Lucas

6:30am – Shower & Get Dressed

7:00am – Pack all items for the day (my bag, Lucas’ bag, diaper bag etc)

7:30am – Drop Lucas at Daycare

8:00am – Get to Work

8:30am – Go to Dunks for my already much needed coffee

9:00am – Pump

9:30am – Back to Work

12:00pm – Pump

12:30pm – Back to Work

1:30pm – Quick Lunch at my Desk while Working

3:00pm – Pump

3:30pm – Back to Work

4:00pm – Leave to go get Lucas

4:30pm – Pick Lucas up at Daycare

5:00pm – Unpack my bag, Lucas’ bag & diaper bag, wash and prep Lucas’ bottles for the next day, change out of my work clothes

5:30pm – Make dinner

6:00pm – Feed Lucas (usually while eating my own dinner one handed)

6:30pm – Play time with the boy

7:30pm – Put Lucas to bed

8:00pm – TV / Movie time with Brian

9:00pm – Pump (if I’m not too tired and remember to), Update my personal blog and write my contribution to True Strength of a Fit Mom, lay out clothes, bags, diapers etc for the next day

10:00pm – Bed

11:00pm – Feed & Change Lucas

12:00am – Sleep

3:00am – Start the Cycle Again

As mundane and tiring as it looks when I write it all down, I can honestly say I wouldn’t change one thing. I love my job and the people I work with. I love the time I spend with my child and husband. I love that I’m able to feed Lucas only breast milk. I realized that I am just at a really good place in my life and for the most part, I think I handle it with ease. I know as L gets older things will get a bit trickier with his food, activities, school ect. but I’m trying to take each day at a time. I want to enjoy every phase of his growth and not rush through anything. I am looking forward to him learning new things every day and seeing the world through his eyes and experiences. Being a mom truly is the world’s greatest gift!

Facing the Truth

Anyone that knows me knows how hard I hate to admit when I’m wrong or when I’ve made a bad decision. But, I told you all in the beginning I was going to be open and honest with my blog so here it is.

If you remember I posted back in December that I was starting contest prep for the 2014 season, however after weeks of waffling and beating myself up I’ve decided I don’t think competing is in the cards for me in 2014.

Having been off stage for almost two years now I’ve been able to see the industry from a different perspective and while I still have a yearning and desire to get back up there myself I’ve also seen where the physiques have gone and I’m just not at that point. Even if I started dieting down today, I may hit my stage weight by June 4^th but my musculature just wouldn’t be up to par with the women I’d be competing against. I know I could push out my show date until November as well but I’m not sure I’m ready to diet for 11 months just to get back on stage this year. I truly feel like I need to take the time to rebuild my strength – it’s so frustrating to barely be able to leg press 180 pounds when I used to easily do 540+. My muscles haven’t atrophied completely because I stayed active during my pregnancy but they have certainly weakened substantially. You hear the phrase “muscle has memory” and while yes this is true, it remembers what it’s supposed to do and how to do it, that does not mean that I can go into the gym and curl a 60 pound barbell right off the bat. I have to work my way back up, and in doing so recreate the muscularity I used to have. I am anxious to see my shoulders again (my favorite muscles) and get my six pack back but at the same time, I just know it can’t be done in 20 weeks.

That being said, I’m not entirely ruling it out. I need to have a long conversation with my coach about my wants and needs before I make my final decision. If he thinks I can work toward the goal of competing in November without too much stress then it’s possible I’ll commit to that, but for now I have to say June is more than likely off the table. I have a LONG way to go both physically and mentally before I can put myself through the stress of prep along with everything else and I wouldn’t want to disappoint myself by saying I was going to do it and then back out last minute.

So for now, let’s say my competition prep is “on pause”…I’m going to continue to eat clean and get my workouts in, but I’m not going to put too much pressure on myself to diet down now. I got on the scale yesterday and am ofifically back to pre-baby weight … 10 days past my goal of January 1 but still I’m there. Now comes the fun part – rebuilding and strengthening – enjoying life and being happy!

The stage will ALWAYS be there, but I just might not be on it this year. It’s all about balance and sometimes the pendulum swings more heavily in one direction than the other … and for me right now, it’s swinging toward my son and my own happiness!

I am going to continue to track my weight, strength and diet so you’ll still see progress pictures along the way but don’t be surprised if June comes and goes without mention of the stage!

Stay strong and keep pushing toward your own goals!

Will He Ever Sleep?

Since he was born Lucas has never been the best sleeper. In fact, to put it bluntly, most nights he just sucks! I’ve tried just about everything to get him to sleep but nothing seems to work. At first I thought it was just because he was a newborn, that he hadn’t figured out his own internal clock yet so I just dealt with it during maternity leave. Since I’m nursing I’m the one that got up in the night with him because more often than not he needed to eat. But as he’s gotten older, I thought he’d need to eat less often, but nope – my kid eats the same number of times per day that he always had, he’s just eating more ounces.

Every time I think we may have broken out of the cycle, it’s just a tease. He’ll give us three or four solid hours, a few times he’s even given us six or eight, but then the very next night it’s back to being up every two to three. The part I really don’t understand is that he’s not sleeping at daycare either. They send home his “report card” every day and his naps range from 10-25 minutes at the very most. I’m beginning to think he’s a zombie or something! He just doesn’t sleep.

After three months of this I started hitting my wall. Because when he doesn’t sleep, neither do I; I’m averaging maybe 4 hours total sleep a night. I began to cry every time he’d wake up. I’d nurse him, swaddle him and try to put him back down but he’d just scream and scream. I started waking up Brian and making him do the rocking/bouncing after I’d fed him just so I could try to get even 20 minutes. I would beg Lucas to close his eyes, ask him why he hates me so much and just pray to God he’d calm down. Eventually  after being walked around, shown the “guy” in the mirror (he loves looking at himself), and shushed he passes out … only to wake up again two hours later to do it all again.

We were able to determine right around Thanksgiving that part of why he wasn’t sleeping was because the poor baby had an ear infection. Because he was already on an antibiotic for his kidney the doctor decided to just up the dose. He was on Septra for 10 days and at the end of those ten days he still wasn’t any better. We went back to the doctor and they determined that his single ear infection had turned into a double and then put him on Amoxicillin. Ten days after we started that prescription he still wasn’t any better and the doctor put him on Augmentin. During all this time it was very difficult to get him to sleep or nap lying on his back because of the pressure it would put on his ears. He slept the best being held, rocked or propped up in a swing. So needless to say the last 30 days have been probably the most difficult when it comes to sleep. We just had his 4 month check-up yesterday (post  coming) and luckily for us the ear infection is gone! No more medicine for that! Woohoo! But regardless, it still hasn’t helped in the sleeping department.

As usual when I’m at a loss of what to do I ask my go-to’s. And per their advice, I’ve swaddled him, let him sleep in just his diaper, we’ve co-slept, we’ve tried to let him cry it out for a few minutes, I’ve fed him a TON before putting him down … nothing works! My sister-in-law recommended the Baby Merlin’s Magic Sleepsuit. She says Ethan sleeps 8-10 hours a night in the suit! He’s 6 weeks older than L, weighs a pound more than him and eats roughly the same number of bottles and ounces of milk per day. She told me about the suit months ago when she first bought it, more because she was anxious to try it, but now that we’re having such difficulty she recommended it again. So I ordered it, and it should be delivered today! I am so excited to try it, I hope that it’s a good solution to our problems because if not I have no idea what else to try/do!

Every day I tell myself, I need to nap when I get home from work. Even if it’s just an hour while he plays with Gigi I need to do it, and every day I don’t. By the time I get home I have to unpack our bags from the day, wash his bottles, prep them for the next day, change out of my work clothes, plan what we are going to wear the next day and get supper ready. By the time that’s all said and I done I feel guilty asking my mother to watch him for even another minute so the nap goes out the window. I think eventually one of two things is going to happen; either I’ll just get so used to not sleeping I won’t need it anymore or I’ll hit the end and become narcoleptic. Unfortunately for me, it’ll more likely be the former and per Murphy’s Law that’ll be right around the time Lucas starts sleeping through the night! Just my luck!

Please keep your fingers crossed for me that this sleepsuit really is magic! I’ll review it for you all in a few days!

Sleep tight!

Mommy Separation Anxiety

Today has been an interesting day for me. It’s the first day since Lucas was born that I’ve experienced what could really only be described as separation anxiety – and not on his part.

We had a very rough night last night with his sleeping – he woke up at 11pm, 2am, 3am and 4am. By the time I had to get out of bed at 5:30am to get ready for the day I could barely keep my eyes open. When he woke up screaming at 3am there was literally nothing I could do to calm him down. I tried everything – feeding him, rocking him, bouncing him, patting his back…nothing worked. I finally had to put him down and walk away. I had to just let him cry. I paced the living room until my heart stopped racing and I was able to catch my breath. His crying had never affected me that way before, and while I would never do anything to hurt him (intentionally or otherwise) my OB told me from the beginning “there will be times when you just have to walk away”. So that’s what I did. Had Brian been home I would have woken him and made him take L, but he’s traveling this week so we were on our own. I was probably only gone for a minute but when I went back to pick him up he looked at me with his big hazel eyes as if to say “don’t ever leave me again” … in that moment I realized he was just as upset as I was. The poor baby can’t vocalize what’s wrong – all he knows how to do is cry. We spent the next two hours snuggled up together under the blanket – me whispering to him that everything was okay, and him cooing away telling me he agreed.

When I dropped him off at daycare this morning I immediately got a knot in the pit of my stomach. I cried when I got in the car and the whole way to work I just felt “off”. I tried to distract myself with the TON of work I had to do but could barely concentrate. I watched my Fligagram video on repeat while I pumped just so I could see his little face. I tried to ignore the feeling but I just couldn’t shake it. I texted our daycare provider just to check in on him and she said he was fine. While in my heart I knew he was I needed to see for myself. So I did something I swore I’d never do – I went to see him at school. I took my lunch break and just went to his classroom and held him. I looked into his eyes and listened to him laugh and felt his breathing against my neck. For a moment I felt peace. He was happy and okay, just like I knew he would be. But as I stood there and explained to his teacher what I was feeling I couldn’t help but tear up again. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I was feeling that way. Eventually I had to leave him to go back to work. But as soon as I got in the car all I wanted to do was run back in and whisk him away with me.

As I drove back to my office I raked my brain trying like hell to figure out what was going on. I just finished my cycle, there’s no way I’m pregnant and I’m certainly not having late onset PPD but something was up. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made that I just don’t want to be away from him today. We’ve been together every day for the last five and a half days because of the weather and the holiday so that must be it. As soon as I recognized that feeling I started to be able to breath a little better. As I write this, I do still have an unsettled feeling but I think it has more to do with Brian traveling than anything. Because if something were to happen he wouldn’t be here, couple that with me obsessively thinking about something being wrong and it makes total sense I still feel off. I’m extremely anxious to get out of work this afternoon and go pick him back up. I just want to hold him in my arms all night – I don’t care how many doctors / parents will tell me that’s the wrong thing to do – I just need to have him with me.

It still amazes me how much I love my son. My heart literally aches when I think something might be wrong and I don’t for even one second want him to be sad or in pain. I know how much he needs me and it’s my job to be there for him in every way I can. But in this case, I’m the one that needs him.

Planning to spend my entire evening doing nothing but holding him. I swear baby snuggles are the cure for everything!

Three Month Photos

On Sunday December 21^st we had Lucas’ three month photos taken with Melanie of Simply MellaPhotography. We had done a mini-session with her back in October with Sarah and C so when the opportunity arose for us to shoot with her again I didn’t want to pass it up.

I met Melanie at Smolak Farms in Andover on what ended up being a very cold, wet and muddy afternoon. Because it was so close to Christmas the farm was hosting an “American Girl Brunch” with Mrs. Claus and also photos with Santa. Melanie, Lucas and I traipsed around the farm taking photos in the barn, with the Christmas trees, in the snow … everywhere she could think of.

Sarah had warned me that the three month photos are a little “disappointing”, not because they aren’t spectacular but because Lucas wouldn’t be able to do much sitting or posing on his own. Most of the pictures Melanie took were of him either laying down or propped up in a chair. However, my favorite shot (and the one we ultimately used for our New Year’s card) is one where Lucas is kneeling inside a wooden box in front of a Christmas tree.

She posted “sneak-peeks” for us just a few days after and I was immediately in love with every single photo. I truly couldn’t have picked which one I liked best. She is going to be sending the CD along in the mail soon so I’m sure I’ll be spending hours scouring those too!

Here are a few of our little man: