Tuesday, February 4, 2014

My Next Thirty Years


Thirty. Three-Zero. Three Decades. Dirty-Thirty.
Holy Crap! This week marks the start of the end of my 20’s. In just three weeks I will be entering a whole new decade, one that I am sure will be filled with even more milestones and adventures that I could ever imagine.

My husband and I have talked many times in the past about not feeling our age. We still feel like children in many ways. I even joke that often I feel like an impostor when I pick Lucas up from daycare. I sometimes can’t believe I’m old enough to have a child of my own.
We always say that we thought we’d “feel like an adult when…” 1) we got our own apartment 2) we got engaged 3) we got married 4) we bought a home 5) we had a child… and yet here we are, having accomplished all these things and there are times when I still don’t feel like an adult! But then I see my younger sister and her friends and I try to relate to their lives and I realize maybe, just maybe I’m “older” than I feel!

So as I begin to look back over the last two and a half decades (because really who remembers much before their 5th birthday?) it’s clear to me that I’m not at all the woman I thought I was going to be when I “grew up.” And for that I’m thankful because with every passing year, changing dream and altered goal I’ve become a better and happier version of me and in the grand scheme of things that’s really all we can wish for.

But, for the sake of thirty – let’s look back.
I think my first dream in life was to be a princess; I wanted nothing more than to be able to wear fancy dresses, party shoes and sparkles all day long. I could have cared less about Prince Charming, (perhaps foreshadowing my severe need for independence in my later life?) but would have taken a horse, a castle and glass slippers in a heartbeat. I wanted the singing animals, the Fairy Godmother and the long gorgeous hair. I’m not sure at what point that dreamed died, but what a wonderful fantasy to have had!

As I got a bit older I wanted to be a brain surgeon. Partly because despite my constant wardrobe of dresses, tights and patent leather Mary-Janes I was a tomboy in every sense of the word. Wanting to be my father’s sidekick, he and I would watch the Discovery Channel together each Sunday – specifically the surgery program. This was before everything was censored and we watched every incision, organ removal and the post-surgery clean up. Each time the show ended, I was convinced I was going to spend my life saving other people. But then as I got older my intense fear of blood rendered that dream impossible.
Later, when it came time to be realistic and choose a career based on my abilities I chose a college where I could become a teacher; a high school history teacher to be exact. I wanted to mold the minds of young students and teach them all about our wonderful world. I wanted to stand in front of the classroom giving lectures and homework; spend my vacations grading papers (as my mother had always done) and be that teach that everyone loved. But then as I sat bored and yawning in my college classes I realized that dream too was gone.

Life became “real” for me at 19 when after realizing teaching wasn’t for me, I dropped out of college and embarked on my own. I rented a tiny studio apartment in downtown Burlington, VT and took a job as a restaurant manager. I was determined to be taken seriously as an adult, to show the world (aka my family) that I could “make it on my own”. But when the bills began to pile up (minimum wage and nights spent drinking and partying with friends don’t make for much money) and I found myself alone with no support I realized perhaps maybe I was pursuing a “dream” that wasn’t the best for me.
The past ten years have really been the best of my life so far. But not in the sense you might think. I wasn’t partying or traveling (a ton) or spending oodles of money on frivolous and useless things.

By the time I turned 20 I had returned to MA, with the renewed support of my family and my incredible boyfriend (now husband). I got a full time job, and returned to school part-time. Shortly thereafter I moved in with Brian and we started our life together. In a very short time, my “dreams” for the future changed. I knew I wanted to get married and spend my life with this man, I wasn’t sure about being a mother but hadn’t ruled it out completely, I wanted to earn my degree and create a solid foundation for my adult life. So, despite being in our 20’s we weren’t your typical out every night couple. Brian was in a very successful band so we’d travel for shows frequently, but when we weren’t doing that we spent our weekends close to home with friends having BBQ’s and going to dinner. Our life moved quickly after that - We got engaged when I was 22, married when I was 24, bought our home when I was 26, I graduated college (with honors) at 27 and I gave birth to Lucas when I was 29.
Ten years went by in a literal blink of an eye and as I sit on the cusp of my next decade I find myself wondering how fast this one will go by. Will I look back in ten years and say “where did my 30’s go?” … I hope not. I am going to embrace every single moment, take the time to watch the sunrise, appreciate the middle of the night crying fits of my son, hold hands with my husband whenever I can, tell my family how much I love them, take a moment to call a friend, travel, read, and DREAM! Who knows where my “grown up” dreams will take me, but I know wherever I end up, as long as I have my husband and child(ren) by my side that’s exactly where I’m meant to be!

CHEERS to 30! The best is yet to be!




"Birthday Month Soundtrack"
I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years

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